Lazlos Closet

Obscure Villian Interview Vol. 1 Debbie Rochon

2010-08-20T21:13:00.000-05:00

This is the first installment of the Obscure Villain Interviews. Bite-size interviews where Lazlo's Closet speaks with actors who have played some of our favorite villains. Sure they're no Darth Vader or Mr. Joshua but we believe every villain has something to say. Lazlo's Closet is the voice of the obscure villain.

This week DEBBIE ROCHON

Lazlo - In the massive number of films you have been in, you have played many villains. Which one was your favorite to play?

Debbie - Wow, my first response is to say Lucia from Colour From The Dark. She was great! Although she was possessed by 'The Colour' so the things she did weren't really her fault.

If we are talking about a true villain, I'd have to say Jane from American Nightmare. She was so evil. It was so well improvised and the collaboration with Writer/Director John Keeyes was so on target. She was a great character to play.

Lazlo - So Jane was your ultimate villain role?

Debbie - Close, but unfortunately I was never able to play my ultimate villain. when I co-wrote Suburban Nightmare with John Keeyes I had worked on Deborah Rosenblad's character and completely based her on everything evil I wanted to do as an actor. She was everything I wanted in a villain, and two weeks before the production began I had an accident with a prop machete. I almost completely took off four fingers of my right hand. Everything was ready to begin in the production, they were not able to hold up production so Brandy Little played the character. After extensive surgery and physical therapy, I regained use of my hand so I was happy about the recovery but I was upset for quite a while about not getting to play the part. I still have not seen it but I am very happy the film was made.

Suburban Nightmare is one of the films featured in the upcoming Suburban Psycho Horror Collection from our good friends at Alternative Cinema. In fact, Alternative Cinema has dubbed August "Debbie Rochon Month" and is having a DVD give-Away contest and an awesome sale going on until the end of the month. Check it out at www.alternativecinema.com

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS Remake NEW POSTER ART

2010-07-22T18:47:00.009-05:00

We got a look at the new poster art for the upcoming remake of the 1988 cheesy Horror classic NIGHT OF THE DEMONS. The new version will be Directed by Adam Gierasch and will star Monica Keenan, Shannon Elizabeth, Edward Furlong, BobbiSue Luther, Michael Copon and the ever lovely Linnea Quigley.

I've read some horror sites saying this is a very good throwback to the 80's. I disagree, this seems to be more 1970's Good composition, good layout and it leaves something to the imagination. Subtle yet bold...

Now this is the 80's...Loud, in your face and obvious.
Don't get me wrong the 80's was my decade, but if posters weren't being crafted by Drew Struzan or the Hilderbrant Brothers, you were pretty much stuck with this.
I'm very curious to see the remake although Lazlo's Closet is dead-set against ALL REMAKES...and Michael Bay, But I'm willing to give this one a chance.

SYFY Original Movie Monday: Dinocroc VS Supergator

2010-06-28T09:00:00.003-05:00

Godzilla Vs. King Kong, Freddy Vs. Jason, Alien Vs. Predator, Muhammad Ali Vs. George Foreman... Dinocroc Vs. Supergator. A new entry into the annals of VS. flicks.
Between Mark and I, I am usually the one who pulls SYFY duty, meaning I'm usually the one writing our "SYFY Original Movie Monday" review of the previous Saturday nights helping of schlock. We both appreciate the power of cheese, but I think I enjoy these films JUST a little more than my counterpart. So the "honor" (this week at least) goes to me.
The main (and let's be real) only reason I was looking forward to watching DC Vs.SG was to watch one of the final performances of the late David Carradine who plays Jason Drake a millionaire investing in biotechnology to make genetic giants. At first vegetables were experimented on but Drake pushed the bio-envelope too far and ordered experiments on animals, specifically Gators and Crocs. The experiments went very wrong and both Dinocroc and Supergator break out of the lab and take to the surrounding swampland and an occasional visit to the local resort for a snack.

Carradine's scenes were filmed separately from the rest of the action. In the story the character of Drake has a weak heart so he controls all the action remotely from his mansion. In his stead Drake sends his kick-ass girl Friday Victoria or any number of mercenary goons he has at his disposal to do his dirty work. Part of that dirty work would be to kill not only the Supergator and Dinocroc but anyone who was involved in or witness to the genetic experiments.

After Drakes crack commando team, or more likely a commando team on crack arrive on the scene and take out an unarmed scientist, they engage the Supergator who takes them out in about 3 minutes. Where's Jesse Ventura with a mini-gun and Carl Weathers when you need them. Afterwards Drake decides to send in the best... the Cajun.
I love this guy. He walks around wearing machete's and guns where ever he goes. If he walked into a 7-11 to pick up a slim jim and a Slurpee he would still be in a state of readiness! So the Cajun and the rest of the cast (Too boring to explain in full) As Indigo Montoya would say "Let's sum up" - Tagging along with the killing machine known as the Cajun, we have Paul who took me like half the film to understand just what the hell he was even in the movie for. He's like a U.S. State attorney / Engineer who seems to know a lot about stuff. Then you have officer Cassidy Swanson and her dad Charlie (Dad's a real cop and Cassidy just likes animals so she's a conservation officer) and the aforementioned Victoria Chase.

Victoria and the Cajun meet up with Paul and Cassidy (who had just found another stray scientist who knew too much) and after allowing her to spill the exposition beans all over the place, she injects the scientist with something bad killing her and zapping Paul with a defibrillator for good measure. It's a short lived victory however, since Paul had sent evidence to the FBI who swiftly arrived at the Drake estate shooting Victoria which causes Drake to have a heart attack. Drake may have wanted to hire a nurse who had better skills than the ability to show cleavage, as he lay dying she basically rubbed his shoulder and said "oh no."
It was cool to see Caradine in the film, though I must say the experience had a bit of a "Plan 9" feel to it. It was like watching Bela Lugosi performing in a no-budget clunker after all of the accomplishments he has achieved over the years, sad to know this would be among his final works...
So the Cajun has a plan "Crocodiles and Alligators are mortal enemies" and the plan is to make them fight each other and then take out the one left standing after being weakened by the fight. So they bring the gargantuan lizards together near an abandon sugar factory and the clash of the titans begins.

I will say this, the pacing of DC vs. SG was very good. Keeping things at a reasonable pace and getting the action going early on, keeping us interested. Unlike the last Asylum produced vs. clunker Mega shark vs. Giant Octopus that seemed to drag on. For those of us who love to heckle at our televisions, Dinocroc vs. Supergator gives you lots of opportunities for a sarcastic laugh and a rolling of the eyes. Settle in with a friend or two and have at it.

Night Of The Living Dead Reanimated

2010-04-16T00:35:00.007-05:00

What will probably be known as the most creative take on the use of public domain material ever, after "J-Men Forever" of course, Wild Eye releasing takes on George A. Romero's classic Night Of The Living Dead. Many fans will say this is a film that should never be touched, it should be left in its original form for generations to enjoy ...Well, I said that about Clash Of The Titans and we all saw what happened there...

I love the concept of NOTLD:R, it's an incredibly good idea. The mixture of hundreds of animated and illustrated styles all clashing yet working together to tell a story, and it works...in most parts.

During the course of the film you are treated to a wide array of artistic styles some amazing and some filler.

Amazing

Filler

Some scenes use true animation and some use panning shots across illustrations (story book style). Two of my favorite parts are one of the news scenes where the reporter is a thumb, ala Steve Oedekerk's many thumb cast films, and a scene where the characters were replaced with cartoon mice, Looney Tunes style. The styles change constantly at a rapid fire pace from charcoal sketches to sock puppets.
My only complaint is that I wish they were a little more selective with their choice for animators / illustrators, there are too many extremes between artists and I'm not talking about style, I'm talking about skill. In one spot you will have several shots of an amazing illustration really setting the mood Romero intended, you can tell the contributors are fans of the film, but then we cut to Barbie dolls bumping into each other or Play-doh figures sliding around the screen like Gumby covered in blood. With such a legendary Iconic film to use as a template, I would be a little more picky with who is involved in the project. Granted I'm sure there was no budget to speak of and plenty of art students looking for a chance to add to their reel or portfolio. So you roll up your sleeves and use what you have to work with I guess. Also I hate sock puppets... OK so that's two complaints.

All in all this is a great experiment and Wild eye does not chince on the extras, two hours worth of mini docs, short horror films and comics, commentary tracks and more.
Here at Lazlo's Closet we write a "Build Your Own Box Set" post every once and awhile, and I feel Night Of The Living Dead Reanimated is a perfect addition to your NOTLD collection. It's for the nerd "completeist" collector in all of us.

Lazlo Survival Tips: What To Do When Your Piranha Is Just Too Damn Mega

2010-04-10T16:41:00.001-05:00

Well, if you were ever to find yourself in this precarious situation, a few options lie before you. First, you could call Ringling Bros. or Sea World and make a little bit of scratch. Secondly, you could shoot round after round of heavy ammunition into the poor bastard before it spawns, gets agitated and eats you, your buddies and all of your modes of transportation and/or escape. Or you just make a movie about it. And that third option is just what our friends at the SyFy Channel have done. So from the creators of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus comes (drum roll) Mega Piranha, a SyFy Original Movie starring the fiery pop-mall-princess Tiffany, Paul "Aliens on Crack" Logan, Barry "Brady Bunch" Williams and Ashley Carr as Half Dead Person (thanks IMDB!).

This is nothing more than a friendly reminder because in less than 4 hours, Mega Piranha hits your local cable provider for it's world premiere. And we wanted to remind everyone so we will all be on the same page come Monday when we post our dual review of this masterpiece in our returning segment The SyFy Original Movie Monday. So good people, hear me now. Please do what's right and watch this movie. And watch this movie in the way SyFy and Jesus intended - comfort food in lap and Mega Piranha on your flat screen and get ready for the awesome. Will it suck? Yes. Will you laugh more than a normal episode of SNL? Absofuckinlutely. So cozy up with a loved one, pop the corn, order the pizza, warm the nachos, melt the cheese fries or open the Doritos because the SyFy Original Movie Mega Piranha is a coming.
Is it better than watching Crank on HBO2? Yes it is.

BIRDEMIC: Shock & Terror, the NYC Premiere

2010-04-06T19:32:00.000-05:00

YES! It has all come down to this. Just over a year ago my good friend Evan Husney (Severin Films) introduced me to the film that would give Mark and I something to blog about for years to come, BIRDEMIC! All of the regular Lazlo readers know the story of how Lazlo's Closet came to know the romantic thrillerness that is Birdemic (and if you don't, click here and get schooled on the origin story). It was a cold night in New York city as my wife Geri and I walked down the street to a bar in Greenwich Village. We were thirty minutes early and there was already a large crowd inside. Evan was at the door helping with the list and greeting people as they approached. After I introduced him to Geri, Evan asked if we had met Director James Nguyen yet, we hadn't but after all this time I felt like I already knew the man who trademarked the title "Master of the Romantic Thriller". We traversed the crowded bar until we reached the very back wall where a table was set with a stuffed Vulture and Birdemic postcards. James Nguyen was there signing screen printed coat hangers for a few of the press who came out to take part in the spectacle.

When I was introduced to James he embraced me as if I was a long lost brother. He shouted "Phil from Lazlo's Closet!" and instantly there was a beer in my grasp, as if an eagle swooped down and dropped it in my hand. Soon we were talking about how far things had come with the film and about all the press who had come out, including a writer from the National Audubon Society... I couldn't believe it either. To my surprise we were joined by Whitney Moore and Alan Bagh who walked over with drinks in hand and were looking a bit overwhelmed. I got a few words out to Whitney before she was grabbed for an on camera interview with the BBC, so I spoke with Alan for a few minutes. Honestly I was preparing for a punch in the jaw as Mark and I have not been very kind in the past about Alan's performance, in fact we ripped on him like a couple of literary bullies in a Blog schoolyard. To his credit, Alan has been taking everything in stride and has embraced the jibes from just about every critic on the planet and is just enjoying the ride. I gotta respect that. Then it was Alan's turn to speak with the BBC so that gave me a little time to speak with Whitney before we all had to leave for the screening. It was really great to meet Whitney, she has been a great friend to Lazlo's Closet, from being the subject of our first interview (which we haven't posted yet) and covering the San Diego Comic Con for us last year, Whitney is a great sport and I'm glad I was able to thank her in person for all her awesomeness.

The bar was drained of gallons of beer and booze and soon drained of its patrons because it was showtime! We all walked over to the IFC center and could see the line was well over a city block and everyone seemed really positive and having a good time. Two theaters sold out, I was glad we got inside early because the battle for seats had begun. People were really excited to see this movie!

Gabe Delahaye from Videogum.com was the host for the night and did a great job doing a quick and semi-painful Q&A with James Nguyen, Whitney Moore and Alan Bagh. James was waving a hanger around as he blurted out "Who will survive?" and explained the plot...sort of, He then turned it over to Whitney who was pretty much apologizing for the film after every sentence, so she then handed the mic over to Alan who seemed like "whatever" enjoy! The Q&A was punctuated by a large round of applause then the lights were dimmed and everyone saw the trailer for "The Human Centipede" all I can say is Holy Crap (This is another post entirely) Check this out...

So after we were all a bit drunk from the bar and then psychologically damaged by the Human Centipede trailer, The film began. You know the story...(but in case you don't, check out Mark's review here). The key to watching Birdemic is to watch it with a group of friends, it's a Mystery Science Theater episode waiting to happen, and as the opening credits rolled everyone in the theater became those friends laughing at all the same parts and clapping along to "Hanging out with my Family" a song from the Birdemic soundtrack that will soon be available from Severin for downloading around the DVD release date, and let me tell you this is one jam you won't get out of your head without brain surgery.

The best part of the evening to me was watching Whitney and Alan watch themselves on the big screen for probably the "umpteenth" time, they seemed to accept most of the film but there were a few spots where I could see Whitney sliding down in her chair and Alan hiding behind his large bucket of popcorn, but all in all a good time was had by all. Everyone celebrating a glorious train wreck, and loving every minute of it. In fact, Birdemic sold out both IFC theaters on both nights resulting in IFC holding another weekend of avian awfulness this past weekend which sold out AGAIN, so that's right, held over again for this coming weekend as well. While New Yorkers get their bird on, the film is also migrating back to where the tour began, Cinefamily this Friday at Midnight in Los Angeles, and many more screenings to come, as well as a trip to the San Diego Comic Con this fall.

Birdemic has taken flight after no one believed it would ever get off the ground, a victory for independent film and a victory for James Nguyen. I will be very interested to see what happens with James' next feature "Peephole: The Perverted". Was Birdemic the perfect storm of "so bad it's good" that it may never be repeated? Or will the Master of the Romantic Thriller surprise us all? I can't wait to find out.

Photos provided by Severin Films.

Friday Film Fortune Cookie: Repo Men

2010-03-19T22:20:00.000-05:00

BLOOD CREEK Review

2010-03-19T18:13:00.008-05:00

Everyone knows Hitler LOVED the occult. Ever since Adolf tried and failed to take that Ark from Indiana Jones, the Furer had made several other attempts to make the powers of darkness his own. He also tried to steal the Rocketeer's jet pack at one point but that's another post entirely...

Blood Creek (Originally Creek, and Town Creek) tells the unfortunate tale of the Wollner family of West Virginia, who came into possession of a rune stone, a flat rock three times the size of a sewer cap carved with ancient runes. The stone was found on the Wollner's property and they decided to build it into the foundation of their barn, if it was for luck, then it was all bad, because some time later they received a visitor from the fatherland who knew about the stone the family had found and had plans to use it. His name is Wirth (Michael Fassbender), a student of the occult and Nazi officer sent to obtain the power of the stone. Soon after making contact with the rune stone Wirth makes quick work of the Wollner family feeding off of their blood to gain more power. For if one can master the blood, there is no death.
Flash forward to present day. We meet paramedic Evan Marshall (Henry Cavill) who cares for his ailing father and his nephews. His brother Victor (Dominic Purcell) has been missing for the past two years after returning from Iraq. While Evan is being slowly beaten down by guilt from all angles about his brother's disappearance, he is awakened in the middle of the night by Victor, now bearded with long hair and covered in scars and blood. In a frantic rage Victor asks for his brothers help. They grab whatever guns and ammo they can find in the house and drive off. Evan asks repeatedly where they are going and what is going on but Vic keeps driving until they reach a rundown farm surrounded by no trespassing signs and strange symbols painted everywhere.
It turns out Victor had been held prisoner in a large storage container in the back yard of the farm tied down and used for his blood by the very same people who owned the farm in 1936, the Wollners. As Victor questions the family and searches for his torturer Evan stumbles across a man tied up in the storage container (Shea Whigam) and releases him. During Vic's assault on the German immigrant family he shoots the father as he returns from town in his truck, hitting him in the shoulder causing him to drive into the cellar which was chained and locked and had a huge rune symbol painted over its doors. BIG MISTAKE...

Wirth, the Nazi officer who has held the Wollner family as blood slaves for decades is now super powerful and loose from his prison in the cellar... I'm not completely clear on how they caught him and tricked him into the cellar...but I know Liese (Emma Booth) the youngest child of the Wollner's who now appears as a seventeen year old, read Wirth's books which were full of incantations and learned about the power of the rune letters and with that knowledge the family was able to keep him out of the house by painting protective runes over all the doors and windows and imprison him.
Now the Brothers Marshall are trapped in the house with the apparently immortal Wollner family along with a man they freed from the storage container in the back ( who replaced Victor after his escape. Unable to enter the house himself, Wirth uses his powers to raise members of the Wollner family from the dead to serve him. As they are killed trying to defend themselves. There's also a cool scene where Wirth releases the stable horses and slashes their throats and then raises them from the dead and uses them to gain entry into the magically protected house.

Now here's where it gets a little dicey... Apparently Wirth brought along a suitcase full of his family bones (I know I do when I travel) which Liese discovers can be made into armor to protect the wearer from Wirth's evil magic. Vic dons the rickety armor and faces off with the undead Nazi, and it doesn't seem to have much effect as Wirth kicks Vic's ass across the farm for a good five minutes. That's when Liese explains to Evan that Wirth cannot feed from his own families blood, it is poison to him, So Evan uses himself as bait and has Liese cut him across the back as a proper scarifice and grind in the marrow from the broken bones from the armor. Wirth takes the bait and feeds from Evan and the dried up blood of his ancestors acts like a mouth full of draino. Now weakened the undead SS Officer gives Vic and Evan an opening to finish him off.

Nazi's are still everyone's favorite bad guys and I think Wirth could have been cool enough to join the horror franchise pantheon as a repeat character if a proper back story was created. Though there is probably no sequel for Wirth who buys the Hof (Farm) VERDERBER! [ Spoiler in German...] The film is set up for a sequel when Evan discovers there were actually EIGHT Nazi officers who were sent to claim the rune stones that were discovered. So Evan grabs his gun and map and goes after the remaining seven blood suckers and Victor is last scene with the Rune stone in the burned rubble of the Wollner farm. Is he contemplating using that power for himself? A brother against brother battle would be pretty sweet.

I enjoyed Blood Creek, Even if there was no creek. It's a great renter for sure. I also give Joel Schumacher props for not putting big rubber nipples on Wirth's outfit...OK, I know Batman and Robin was a long time ago...I have trouble letting go. The lighting was excellent throughout the film making it easier to forget you are watching a movie shot on digital, and the packaging was really what hooked me in the first place, It's amazing. So check this one out, if you haven't already.

I think I would haf prefered da Bat Nipples

Build Your Own Box Set: IRISH HORROR COLLECTION

2010-03-17T12:23:00.011-05:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day to one and all! Saint Pats is best known for three things Drinking, The Parade in NYC , and Drinking. But this St. Patrick's Day let's make note of Ireland's contribution to Horror!!! OK so it's not a tremendous contribution, but hey besides the Japanese I think the Irish are the only other country to use Mushrooms as a bad guy... well, you'll see.
So here is our Irish Horror Collection box set ...and NO There are no films from the Leprechaun franchise represented in this fictitious set. Honestly I'm sick of the little bastard.

Disc 1 - DEAD MEAT

Tourist Helena (Marián Araújo) and her mate Martin (David Ryan) are traveling by car through the County of Leitrim, Ireland, when Martin hits a man. He brings the body to his car, and the corpse returns to life and bites him. Helena looks for help in a cottage and is attacked by Martin. Soon she realizes that the place is infested with zombies. She meets the gravedigger Desmond (David Muyllaert) and they cross the countryside trying to find a safe place. They soon become aware that the mad cow disease has infected humans transforming them into the living dead. Gotta watch those cows when visiting Ireland...

Disc 2 - RAW HEAD REX

Ireland will never be the same after Rawhead Rex, a particularly nasty demon, is released from his underground prison by an unwitting farmer. The film follows Rex's cross country rampage, while a man struggles to stop it. OK not a good movie, but this holds a special place in my dark fetid heart, as one of the first VHS rentals I had with my very own video club membership when I was a kid. (note- I used the VHS packaging above)

Disc 3 - SHROOMS

3 couples go into the woods of Ireland to collect magic mushrooms and trip out. On their way they meet some strange inhabitants and it doesn't take long until a creepy story is being told by the campfire which might be more than just a story. So strange things happen, people start disappearing, silhouettes move through the woods and the creepy story starts to melt into reality. The horror kicks in along with the effects of the mushrooms.

Disc 4 - ISOLATION

The story takes place on a run-down cattle farm in Ireland, What is it with the Irish and Mad Cows? Something is growing in one of introvert farmer Daniel's cattle sheds and Jamie and Mary, young couple on the run, are about to be seriously affected by it. After allowing local scientists to perform genetic experiments on his cattle, A mutated calf is born and goes on the hunt. Evil cows rule.

The Friday Film Fortune Cookie: 2012

2010-03-12T08:22:00.000-06:00

BIRDEMIC! The Quiz!

2010-03-08T22:45:00.001-06:00

As promised, here it is. Eyes on your own paper and no talking. Good luck and Godspeed.

Question 1:

Rod calls Natalie for the first time. When he asks her how her day is going, she replies...

NATALIE

I closed a big job offer today with Victoria's Secret.

Rod says...

a. Wow, congratulations! I think you'll look great in those lingerie.

b. Awesome! Maybe you can model something for me!

c. That's great! You must be royally jazzed!

d. Get the fuck out! That's awesome! I love Victoria's Secret, especially the way their panties feel on a man's body.

e. None of the above.

Question 2:

After the birds attack, Rod walks to the motel window.

ROD

I think they're gone.

NATALIE

Do you know why they stopped?

Rod answers...

a. Stopped?! Hell, I don't know why they started!
b. For Christsakes Natalie, I'm a software salesman - not the fuckin' Bird Whisperer!
c. Haven't a clue. I'm hungry. Let's get a taco.
d. I don't know. Maybe they got tired.

Question 3:

Rod closes a deal over the phone. He celebrates with a spirited 'Whoo-Hoo!" After, his co worker approaches and asks "What's with all the noise?"

Rod answers

a. Closed the big deal! (How much was the sale?) Ten thousand dollars!

b. Caught the big fish! (How much was the sale?) One million dollars!

c. Suckered another one! (How much was the sale?) Eighteen million dollars!

d. Suck it, Bitches! I just made thirty two kabillion dollars during a very wooden and unrealistic customer sales call via this swank-ass headset!! So why don't you go back to your cubical before I shove my Swingline up your butt! Boom!

Question 4:

After taking a quick nap, Ramsey wakes up and asks Rod, "Where's Becky?"

Rod answers...

a. She had to pee.

b. I think she caught a touch of the avian flu.

c. I think she just walked off the shoot.

d. She's taking a shit.

Question 5:

After fleeing from a platoon of dive bombing exploding eagles and vultures, what is the first thing our heroes decide to do after they realize that the birds are killing machines?

a. Take cover indoors in a closed space.

b. Drive to Oklahoma and hole up in someone's basement twister shelter.

c. Have a fucking picnic.

d. All dress up in bird costumes and try and blend in.

BONUS:

What relivence does this guy have to the story?

a. He explains the reason the birds are attacking.

b. He's Natalie's agent, Rosco.

c. He's the guy who advises Rod that if he wants to have relations with Natalie, he needs to close the deal in a motel room rather than his beautiful and spacious two story house.

d. He's selling subscriptions to Grit.

e. He wandered into frame and director James Nguyen thought he added value and realism to the scene.

f. Absolutely nothing.

g. He's returning Rod's copy of Anal Attraction.

h. He's inviting Rod to a slumber party...Happiness style.

Or take the swankass interactive quiz on Facebook...if you dare!

Click here, Hangerheads

The Lazlo's Closet poster design now on sale for $10,000.00.

Limit one per household..

Well...

2010-03-05T08:08:00.001-06:00

If you're tuning back in for a crack at Birdemic! The Quiz!...well, it got delayed. It's done but I'm playing with a way (or best way) to make it interactive and this blog is a bit limited. Check back Monday where it will be ready for all of our big brains.

But until then, here's the teaser poster for Corvette Summer.

And the Hot One is coming. So P's & Q's people, P's & Q's.

BIRDEMIC! The Lost Screencaps

2010-03-01T22:58:00.005-06:00

Well, the unthinkable has happened. No they haven't greenlit the updated remake of Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, but Birdemic: Shock and Terror premiered in LA. on the big screen this past Saturday. And because of that, serious congrats are in order to Severin and Evan and Evan from Severin for forcing the Powers-That-Be to open their eyes and see that bad can be good but more appropriately in the case of Birdemic - awful can be fucking great. Unfortunately, even though 2 tickets for Phil and myself were held at the box office as guests of director James Nguyen, (and thanks again for that), we could not make it there for the premiere. Now the Austin premiere WILL be a different story.

Anyway, in honor of the premiere and Lazlo finally getting back to our roots, our screencap ban has been lifted (actually for a while now but we're just getting to it) and we are reposting the screencaps that were used in the original Birdemic review and no longer need the drawings of the screencaps as interpreted by a 10 year old child. But just for fun, I put them side by side to compare. Honestly, they both make me laugh. And check back by the end of the week for our first installment of BIRDEMIC! The Quiz. That's right, Yo! Let's see who really was paying attention at that there premiere! Enjoy...

And sorry Whit - apparently 10 year olds haven't yet grasped the concept of sketching hair. And don't forget about BIRDEMIC! The Quiz! later this week. Oh, and Sam...

Just forget it...

Tales Of The Gold Monkey DVD announcment

2010-02-22T21:55:00.029-06:00

In honor of the long awaited "Tales Of The Gold Monkey" Complete series box set which is finally coming this June from Shout! Factory, I went to my bookshelf and grabbed my TOTGM Hard cover Annual from 1982 and grabbed a few highlights. Enjoy!

I found this book in a comic book store on Long Island when I was a teenager. The shop was right next to a guitar store where my Dad loved to visit on weekends. He would bring me hoping I would catch the "music bug" instead I hung out next door reading The Micronauts, in which one of the character's is named "Bug" coincidence?

Jake Cutter is an expatriate American adventurer who often finds himself in the thick of high-sea adventure. Jake transpots cargo which runs the gamut from Bibles to contraband, he also transports people, from American tourists to Nazi spies.

Later he would go on to become the whiny Commander Willard Decker, who's dumb ass father drove a starship right into a giant Thanksgiving horn-o-plenty, Decker DARED to question the leadership of one Capt. James T. Kirk! OK, I'm going to let it go for now because were talking Gold Monkey here...

And then there's Corky, the lovable retar...OH wait this guys just a drunk, a damn good mechanic and comedy relief.Eat that other Corky!

Jack, the one eyed Jack Russel terrier WHO at one point had an Opal as a false eye until Jake lost it in a poker game. Just remember pal, Terrier's never forget.

Sarah Stickney White (Caitlin O'Heaney), posing as a singer to cover her activities as an American agent operating in the South Pacific.

The Reverend Willie Tenboom (John Calvin), a phony man of the cloth who is in actuality... wait for it....

a Nazi spy named Willy!! He must be pretty tough to be a Nazi and sport a name like "Willy".

The DVD is gonna knock you out! You can preorder at Amazon, Or on the Shout! Factory site.

Micro-budget Review: PRESIDENT'S DAY

2010-02-15T21:00:00.000-06:00

For a time when ever I received a film produced on a "Micro-Budget" to review, the first thing that came to mind as I scoffed and tossed my screener on the DVD pile, was either fan films featuring Star Wars or Star Trek characters that never existed in the original stories; or some over excited film enthusiast with a digital camera shooting a not so epic fight scene in their backyard. The growing popularity of social networking and streaming sites opened the door to many would be filmmakers who would otherwise have no outlet for their work. This can be thought of as both a good and bad thing. It's great that there is a place where anyone can post a short film, artwork, or a movie review and consider themselves a filmmaker, artist or writer (Lazlo's Closet is no exception). The downside being, there are no standards to get your work posted on the web, so the sheer volume of videos flooding the internet vying for your attention is staggering and there is no filter to weed out the crap.

In that sea of micro-budget madness it's very hard to stand out and be noticed, so most distributors resort to outrageous covers for their DVD releases. Most times however the content of the DVD is absolutely nothing like the over- done cover illustrations leaving you a victim of a DVD bait and switch. When I saw the cover art for "President's Day" I didn't think it was anything special. It's pretty basic and gets the point across, but at the same time it stuck with me and I kept thinking back to it. I really wanted to see that movie. So with the Presidents Day holiday happening this week, I thought what better time to watch, and I am glad I did.
I'm not going to go into the story of President's Day, as I think you should just watch and enjoy. You know where this ride is going. The characters are all pretty self explanatory. Like all high school settings you have your bitchy rich girl, Cheerleader, Nerds, Jocks, etc... We get just barely deep enough into the main character to care whether he lives or dies, and everyone else is a pretty standard character that you would see in any American High School...Well with the exception of the axe wielding maniac dressed as Abe Lincoln and the Electric Bass playing Principal.

Hail to the Chief...Baby.

President's Day is exactly what I hoped it would be, It's a slasher film of the old school variety. Gory and sexy with a "whodunit" plot. It's The Breakfast Club goes to Sleep away Camp, and if Director Chris LaMartina was able to shoot on film as opposed to digital it would have given the movie a retro feel that would bring old school horror fans to an oasis in the desert of modern day horror films which have become nothing more than plotless torture porn.

Shawn C. Phillips is finally killed by his giant teetering stack of DVDs

LaMartina, a twenty five year old independent filmmaker from Baltimore, already has a few features under his belt. Two of which will be available as a double feature DVD through Camp Motion Pictures titled "Book Of Lore / Grave Mistakes Horror Double Feature" (coming in May)He also pays homage to Zombie films in the faux trailers section of the "Stephen Romano Presents Shock Festival" DVD set available as of last week from Bloody Earth Films.
Chris shows real potential and I feel he is definitely one to watch as he grows as a filmmaker developing his own style. Though I think he may go on record for taking the last Holiday for use as a movie title... unless...Arbor Day? hmmmmmm.
The premiere was held tonight (President's Day 2010) in Baltimore. I hope the turn out was good considering the weather, More snow, people connected to Chris via Facebook had received a message from President Lincoln himself telling them not to be such whimps and not to let the bad weather stop them from coming to the show. How can you argue with that kind of presidential backing.

Lazlo WTF: Repo Chick

2010-02-09T21:59:00.000-06:00

The new trailer for Alex Cox's "Repo Chick" was released recently and I have to say I am speechless...I in no way mean that in a good way. I had been hearing rumors about this sequel to the cult classic "Repo Man" since late 2008 and had all sorts of pre-conceived notions in my head about what this movie was going to be like. I was thinking this would be one of those times when a DIY Writer / Director from "back in the day" would show all of these recent filmmakers how to get it done. A return of the classic cult film from one of the best, a new source of quotable lines for both the Gen X crowd and (whatever the hell we are supposed to call the current Generation) to embrace. But WTF? What I'm seeing in this trailer is nothing even close to the greatness of Repo Man. I mean check out the pedigree -
Repo Man was voted as the eighth best film set in Los Angeles in the last 25 years, by a group of Los Angeles Times writers and editors, with two criteria: "The movie had to communicate some inherent truth about the L.A. experience, and only one film per director was allowed on the list". Entertainment Weekly ranked the film #7 on their list of "The Top 50 Cult Films" and ranked it #3 on their "The Cult 25: The Essential Left-Field Movie Hits Since '83" list. That's a tough act to follow.
Now I will admit the reason I was so surprised and disappointed in the trailer were the visuals, super hot colors, and everything green screened to the point of ridiculousness. It looked like an episode of LEXX from the old Sci-Fi channel (Before they became SYFY) I can get the basic idea of the plot from the trailer and I'm not liking it, but I will say that for the man who wrote the screenplays "Sid & Nancy" and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" not to mention the original "Repo Man" should be given a chance story wise, But I do not understand the look of the film. It's like he made the entire thing on a Mac in his bedroom in a week. So the question is, is Alex Cox just using his old successful title to move a film that otherwise would be laughed off of every distributor's desk? Or is this mad genius at work again?

Battle Girl: The Living Dead In Tokyo Bay

2010-02-06T01:54:00.011-06:00

From the ever growing "Asian Cult Cinema Collection" from Synapse Films comes "Battle Girl: The Living Dead In Tokyo Bay" aka "Batoru Garu". The land of the rising sun becomes the land of the rising dead in this low budget 90's Action / Horror flick From director Kazuo "Gaira" Komizu that is definitely worth a rent. Komizu is mostly known for his 80's sexploitation films "Bijo no harawata" (aka Entrails of a Beautiful Woman) and "Shojo no harawata" (aka Entrails of a Virgin) where giant penis headed demons avenge raped female models from their abusers...but that's another review.

A meteor hits Tokyo bringing the city to its knees. Punk gangs and lawless chaos soon overtake the streets. As if badly dressed "punks" beating up people for their groceries wasn't bad enough, a chemical reaction from the Meteor infects the dead with a virus that brings them back as flesh eating Zombies. Martial law is declared and Military man, Captain Fujioka takes things a tad too far when he decides the "disgrace" of the country being hit by a Meteor will cause every other nation in the world to wipe out Japan...You know, because that's EXACTLY the opportunity the President is waiting for. How dare Tokyo get hit by a random zombie birthing meteor, Japan you disgust me. You will all wear ribbons of shame as we and the rest of the world powers commence plans to "wipe you out".

To combat this possible threat to Japan's national security, everyone remaining in the city of Tokyo will be injected with an experimental chemical known as cosmo-amphetamine making them more of a "high functioning" zombie there-by becoming part of the Captain's elite force that he will use to defend Japan.
The Captain knows Battle Girl is out there searching for her father who is attempting to get refugees on a ship to evacuate the country. To stop her he deploys his Human Hunter Unit of "unstoppable" fighters, who look more like a LOUDNESS cover band than a military unit. Battle Girl teams up with a group of gun runners who call themselves the "Battle Kids" ( I guess they were fans) and one by one they are killed by the zombies in the streets or by the Human Hunters. Blurting out some brilliantly written lines as they are attacked by zombie hoards like "You living dead losers!" or "Don't come near me you pathetic zombies!" "Stop it! You all had way too much to eat!" and of course the ever popular " YOU BASTARDS!"

Battle Girl is an attempt (I believe) for Synapse films to compete with uber popular releasing company Media Blasters, who's Japanese live action and anime titles are scoring high sales in the U.S. market. But they may have to make better choices in the future if they want to grow in this area. Battle Girl could have been a very good Manga influenced gorefest, if Komizu turned it up about five notches.
The casting of professional wrestler "Cutie" Suzuki Yumi should have meant that we were to be treated to some awesome fight scenes, but instead the actors move slowly lumbering through most of the hand to hand combat scenes, making the action look more like kids re-enacting a fight scene they watched in a movie in their backyard. This doesn't stop the Foley artist from adding the traditional "whooosh" and "crack!" sound effects to a punch my Grandmother could have dodged.
A lot of the kill action happens off screen which is a bit disappointing and some great opportunities for gore are overlooked completely. A grenade gets shoved in a zombies mouth and then we cut to a long shot of two zombies being blown up by what looked like a landmine. All in all Battle Girl doesn't fully deliver in either the Action or Horror departments, but it does have just enough of both to squeak by making it worth at least one viewing.

Lazlo's Top 10 WORST Werewolf Films Ever Made

2010-02-04T23:29:00.002-06:00

Joe Johnston's "The Wolfman" is coming to theaters February 12th, adding itself to the wolf pack of Werewolf movies filmmakers have been crafting since 1941 when the original Wolfman howled and clawed its way into our hearts. With Benicio Del Toro taking on the mantle of the Wolfman, I think this is going to be a favorite for fans of classic horror everywhere. And to help solidify the Wolfman's greatness in cinematic history, we are posting the Lazlo's Closet Top 10 WORST Werewolf films ever made.
10. Wolf
My favorite part of Wolf shows up in the trailer when Jack pisses on James Spader in the men's room. This is the only reason this is so high on the list. Anyone who takes a whiz on whiney Dr. Daniel Jackson is OK in my book. I think what bothered me most about Wolf is that it came out a short while after both Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer were villains in Batman movies, and to my fragile comic book sated mind, it was like Catwoman and the Joker getting it on...and that just doesn't work for me.

9. Cursed
To tell the truth I kind of enjoyed parts of Cursed being a Wes Craven film, but I wasn't crazy about most of it. I was not even going to add it to the Top 10 worst, as I find the film falling in that middle area where it wasn't bad but wasn't great. So I guess I was banishing it to movie limbo and that was mostly because of the scene where Christina Ricci taunts the werewolf out of hiding by insulting her nails and split ends...

8. Werewolves On Wheels
I was in love with the imagery, several chopper driving lycanthropes tooling along a long stretch of road looking for trouble. The problem was you don't actually see the werewolves on anything with wheels until the last fifteen minutes of the film.

7. The Werewolf Vs. The Vampire Woman
I owe my experience with this film to the curse of the 50 Movie Pack that you find at the tail end of the horror section at Best Buy. I can't stay away from those things... Some cool, not exactly "Hammer" moments but nice looking scenery and costuming so if you squint you might fool yourself into thinking you are watching a Hammer Film. The 80 minute film feels like Lord Of The Rings in legnth and then it ends rather abruptly. The big battle at the end was a combo of slow motion leaping and rolling in the dirt growling and clawing at each other.

6. Curse Of The Werewolf
I have to say I have never been a fan of Oliver Reed, I don't know what it is and I hold no malice towards the actor. But even though he has done some pretty cool shit during his career (The Brood, Gladiator, Burnt Offerings) I still..you know what, I do like Oliver Reed. But Curse of the Werewolf still sucked.

5. The Werewolf Of Washington
"Hence it is evident that the state is a creation of nature, and that man is by nature a political animal". - Aristotle (384 BC-322 BC) I'm guessing this is what Milton Moses Ginsberg was reading on the can when he came up with this plot. a reporter (Dean Stockwell) is bitten by a werewolf in Hungary and soon becomes the press assistant to the president of the U.S.A. Some have sited Werewolf Of Washington to be a "Horror-Comedy"...hmmmm, "Horror - Ridiculous premise with bad dialog", yes.

4. An American Werewolf in Paris
What happened to the drummer of that one hit wonder band that had that song...you know? "That thing you did", or something or other? Well after the band split he did what most failed musicians do, Get a teaching job, jam for a while getting the creative juices flowing with the help of some heroine and then go to France and get turned into a Werewolf...So much for that reunion gig.

3. Beast Of The Yellow Night
Wow, there goes that 50 Movie Pack acting up on me again...uuugh it's like when you try the pizza that was left out over night for breakfast the next day. It seems OK at first then it keeps repeating on you. This is one of the slowest, worst lit, lame action and make-up in film I have seen in...well since the last 50 pack DVD I put in the player. Why isn't it in the number one spot then you ask? Because I'd rather sit through this steaming pile of Wolf scat than the following...

2. Teen Wolf
Teen Wolf is a slap in the face of horror fans. A sad attempt to neuter the Werewolf film by shoving Michael J. Fox in our collective snouts. Wasn't he in enough stuff in the 80's? I mean, I think he pretty much owned that entire decade. Anyway, Werewolf films should not be quirky High School comedies!

1. Teen Wolf Too
Do I really need to get into this? Take what I said about Teen Wolf and times it by TOO!

And because you finished all of your Top 10 list we have a little doggie treat for you. A Werewolf film so bad I'm not even placing it in the worst top 10, I'm putting it BELOW the worst top 10. Buckle up buttercup because here it comes.
# 0. Fury Of The Werewolf

And one for the road...

Lazlo Exclusive THOR Trailer!

2010-01-06T23:37:00.004-06:00

yeay verily, We are so honored and excited to bring you the official trailer to THOR which is not actually in theaters until 2011 but Mark and I have our connections (connections on a GOD like level some might say) and we have procured for you our faithful readers the secret advance teaser trailer for THOR (Which should always be written in all caps btw) THOR, the God of Thunder cometh, so raise your tankards and twenty sided dice aloft and prepare yourselves, for whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of...

5 Days of Trailer Gumbo: Day 5

2009-12-10T08:14:00.000-06:00

I just want to be completely clear. I said 5 days of trailers. But I never said 5 days in a row! So here is our 5th and final trailer, completely sans holiday merit or cheer and a trailer that
I'm fully aware has been out since ComicCon - but fork it, it just looks so goddamn spanking cool it had to be included...

Now if only I can get my reboot of The Last Starfighter...

5 Days of Trailer Gumbo: Day 4

2009-12-03T09:00:00.000-06:00

I loved Clash of the Titans when I was a kid. I even went so far as to ask my father to whittle mini wooden statues of every person I knew so I could perform god-like manipulation. But, surprisingly, he wasn't really down with the whole idea. Now that being said, if I were to say that to me this remake (in trailer form before us) seems so completely wrong in every flippin' way imaginable - does that make me old, crabby and unaccepting of change? Or does that make me smack dab on the money. I mean, do you remake a classic, even if you can update the hell out of it? I don't know - maybe I'd feel better if it didn't have the "slo-mo super leap for the kill" shot in the trailer. Maybe I'm wrong...

5 Days of Trailer Gumbo: Day 3

2009-12-02T08:06:00.004-06:00

I remember reading an early review of the novel this film is based on about three or so years ago in Entertainment Weekly. The first thing I said was this would make a great movie. Well, I hate to say I told ya' so (especially since I technically never told any of you anything about this novel or film so you'll just have to trust me), but it does appear I was correct.

And what could suck about this film anyway? Aragorn versus evil and hungry post apocalyptic survivors? I'm in people.

The only question I have is doesn't it seem that the bad guys in post apocalyptic films always have the nastiest teeth? I mean fucking narly, Man. Just an observation.

Now word on the street is that depending on where you eat, it is possible to get your hands on some bad gumbo. And Day 4 of Trailer Gumbo will attempt to prove that very point.

5 Days of Trailer Gumbo: Day 2

2009-12-01T07:00:00.000-06:00

For day 2, I decided to start with the director of Memento and The Dark Knight and sprinkle with a wickedly ominous score, throw in Phil's favorite actor Leo Dicaprio (you know - the guy who hadn't even acted before those trio of Scorsese pictures) then add a major mindfuck/sci-fi element and you've got yourself one of the better teaser trailers ever spliced together. The only problem with this movie is that it appears to be infringing on Phil's idea for a big budget film inspired by Cheap Trick's Dream Police. Same kinda thing happened to me with my idea for a shot by shot remake of Hitchcock's Rope. I guess thems is the breaks.

Now this has been out for about 3 months now, so I guess we ain't really breaking new ground here. But since it's releasing in summer 2010 and it's only friggin' 1:02 long - just watch the damn thing again will ya?

Tomorrow? Something wicked this way comes and I ain't talking about Jonathan Pryce's freak-ass circus. Or it'll probably just be another cool trailer. Who knows -

5 Days of Trailer Gumbo: Day 1

2009-11-30T07:50:00.000-06:00

Start with the director of Chicago, then mix generously with Fellini's 8 1/2 and an all-star cast including some of that Stacy Ferguson and Blamo! Potential cinematic (and Fergalicious) awesomeness simmers before you. And I don't care if you don't like musicals (I am not a huge fan myself), but if you like cinema then this film is for you because Nine seems to have , quite simply - gotten it right. And it's fucking Fellini set to music, for Christ's sake!

Now if I can just convince Rob Marshall to do one of his adaptations on Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange or Tarkovsky's The Mirror...

Stephen Romano Presents SHOCK FESTIVAL DVD Coming Soon

2009-11-11T23:02:00.008-06:00

The Official DVD companion to the novel Rue Morgue Magazine calls “The best fiction book of 2008” Stephen Romano Presents SHOCK FESTIVAL, A 3-Disc Audio and Video Exploitation Extravaganza Featuring Over 7 Hours of the Most Rare and Unusual Exploitation Trailers, TV Ads and Radio Spots from the Age of GRINDHOUSE CINEMA!

Take a wild journey through the exploitation movie scenes of the 1970s and 1980s with this collection of hundreds of actual previews of coming attractions, television commercials and radio spots for the sleaziest, sexiest most off-the-wall films ever made; all digitally re-mastered from Original Film Elements.

Find yourself thrust into a world of madmen and ghouls, perverts and lusty ladies – and wait till you get a load of all the special extra features we’ve cooked up just for this release! Interviews, a SHOCK FESTIVAL poster, original music and a batch of specially produced trailers based on the amazing fictional b-movie worlds of Stephen Romano’s acclaimed novel, SHOCK FESTIVAL. This must-have collector’s set includes over 7 hours of amazing stuff you won’t find anywhere else! Brand New Media Inspired By the Best, Worst and most Outrageous Trailers From Horror and Exploitation!
The 2 DVD + 1 CD set is available Feb. 9th, 2010 from Bloody Earth Films

If you think you’ve seen it all, think again…

The DVD Set is PACKED with extras and I loves me them extra bits:

• Over 7 hours of the most rare and unusual exploitation trailers, TV ads and radio spots from the age of GRINDHOUSE CINEMA!
• Over 4 Hours of the most unique, amazing and outrageous exploitation and horror trailers from the 1970s and 1980s!
• Interview with Independent International Pictures President Sam Sherman
• Commentary tracks by Stephen Romano and Uncle Creepy www.dreadcentral.com
• Audio disc containing over 3 hours of exploitation radio spots plus original music on MP3s, ready to plug into your iPod, computer or CD player!
• Bonus Collector’s Poster with Original Artwork by artist and author, Stephen Romano!
• Shock Festival image gallery! All New Posters! Special Features!

And check out the teaser...I mean c'mon this is some cool shit! Everyone is loving the Grindhouse lately and we are so glad that Bloody Earth Films / Alternative Cinema have created such a gore filled love letter to an awesome genre.

It's Been...How Long?

2009-09-24T22:16:00.044-05:00

Alright, alright...I know - and please no yelling. But yes we - um - suck. But you gotta understand, there has to be a perfectly understandable excuse for why we haven't posted a flippin' thing since August. Right? But before I get to that, did I mention that we suck?

So, due to the overwhelming amount of non-blog related projects before Phil and I, unfortunately something had to give. Not give up on, just give like when you want to watch Fanboys but based on a special intuition you have you end up with the new Matt McConaughey dramedy? Yes, just taking a little breather to get caught up on all those loose ends out there that are the projects we like to call the "potentially paying" ones. A hiatus if you will. Now look, I never said the reason we haven't posted anything in 2 months would be a swank and supacool little number, it's just the God's honest truth. But if you don't buy any of this or feel we should have come up with something better, here's a list of excuses that may or may not be better than we were, you know - just fucking busy.

1. Completely overwhelmed by the duties involved in being a member of the Fisher Stevens fan club.

2. Tooling around with my long overdue idea for a big budget Simon & Simon movie.

3. Listening to way too much Escape Club. (Okay, that's just Phil. Okay, not really.)

This is an accurate depiction of people who actually lived in the wild, wild west.

4. Our server was maliciously hacked, infected and crashed during a bitter feud with Birdemic director and self proclaimed Master of Romantic Thrillers tm James Nguyen. Luckily, Rod drove up in an Aerostar and had our backs with CGI gunfire. ***

Duck season? Rabbit season? Neither, it's fucking bird season!

*** Please note that Rod is a character in the movie Birdemic and couldn't actually cover us with a steady, suppressing fire in any way, shape or form due to the fact that he is not a real person. Therefore, the #4 above statement that was made cannot be interpreted as anything but a joke intended to entertain through spontaneous, uncontrollable laughter - i.e. it's not true. Now the tm at the end of "Master of Romantic Thrillers tm", well, apparently that's a completely different issue altogether.

5. Suspended by Blogger for this way too risque page header.

Just think what would've happened with our Dirk Diggler header...

6. Watching Friday the 13th the Series in the sequential episode order as Frank Mancuso Jr. and Jesus intended. And in the preferred format of DVD rather than the episode order that I taped off the Sci-Fi Channel 10 years ago via 8hr extended play BASF VHS tapes.

Now with the Extra Quality!

So, if you rather the funny, there it is. If not, seriously what's been going on is that Phil and I have been scripting comic books for an upstart online comic book website, putting the finishing touches on our short film script and budget and also writing a horror script for a independent studio that loved our pitch. Throw in a Ghost Hunters monthly comic, work and coaching Under 6 girls soccer, well you kinda mostly probably get the picture.

But going forward, our love for the blog will be back very, very soon - even if it's only 1 or 2 posts a week. And thanks for hanging with us.

And as an added apology bonus, here's a picture of Ethan Hawk in disguise.

Listen all ya'll this is SABOTAAAAAAGE!

Whitney Moore from Comic Con 2009: The Lazlo Exclusive Better Late Than Never Post

2009-08-26T00:01:00.005-05:00

Earlier this year, we were blessed by the gods by being allowed to see one of the most wacked out, outrageously insane films ever transferred from digital video to DVD entitled Birdemic. Indirectly, or actually directly, because of said viewing of Birdemic, we were allowed to meet one of the coolest girls on the fucking planet - Birdemic lead actress Whitney Moore. So as Comic Con 2009 crept all up on us, Whitney asked if Lazlo's Closet was going to be able to make it to the little shindig. Sadly (and obviously) we were not able BUT since we weren't able - she so kindly offered to do a little correspondence for us and snap a few pics along the way. Now that all of our technical difficulties are behind us (and we had our fair share which is why this is soooo late), we proudly give you Whitney Moore from Comic Con - summing up the experience, answering 5 very important questions and most importantly, preserving that experience in pictures.

-Mark

San Diego Comic Con was a few weeks ago, and it drew in over 150,000 costumed and comic- crazed fans, myself included. The convention hall was flooded with comic book fans, gamers, artists, and quite a few screaming teenagers hoping to catch a glimpse of the Twilight cast. In between working at my local comic store's booth and trying not to pass out in my latex-pvc catsuit, I nestled myself into the heart of the crowd in attempts to get close to the stars of my current guilty pleasure, HBO's True Blood. I even got the autographs of some favorite comic book writers of mine, Warren Ellis and Eric Powell. As the back issue dust settled and the costumes were peeled off and hung up for the year, the sun set on another fantastic year for comics and pop culture junkies alike. Like many I'll be up with ink-stained fingers until the dawn of next year's Convention.

- Whitney Moore

1. Best costume (besides yours): My favorite costumes were the guys who did Spy vs. Spy.

Actually, I change my answer. The Spider Jerusalem has to be one of my favorites-- He was even in character! I never declared no backzies so I'll allow the answer change.

Alright, he is kinda badass.

2. Worst costume: NO MORE FAT LEIAS!

We don't have any obese Princess Leia pictures,

so enjoy this so very not-obese Whitney Moore as Danger Girl picture.

But what in the hell is she shooting at?

Never mind, I remember. Moving on...

3. Favorite part: Being within a 10 foot radius of the sexy stars of True Blood.

Alan Ball's my fav. Not really.

4. Least favorite: The Twilight Fans (wretch)...And yes, I see that as hypocritical.

A pic having nothing to do with Twilight.

And finally, Number 5. Better than last year? No. Last year was much bigger and busier, plus it was my first year. But this year was still awesome!

Last year may have been slightly better, but this year had fisticuffs. Or dancing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it for the questions. Here's the rest of the best. Or the best of the rest. Whatever.

Whitney posing for what was probably the only picture taken of her that day.

Of course I was kidding.

He wreaked havoc all over Gotham, never allowing anyone to get close to him

It took Abbey Chase all of 3 seconds with nothing but tight pants and a big gun.

"Does anyone wanna see a magic trick?"

Venkman & Spengler have not aged well. Not. At. All.

Well - there it is...

You gotta respect the Sith Lord for not going for
the old "hand on the ass" trick here.

That's more than we can say for Robin...

And quite possibly the coolest pic of them all.

So that's it from Comic Con 2009: The Better Late Than Never Edition. Hope all enjoyed the pics and a super big thanks to Whitney for doing this for us and putting up with all of our crap. You've really been a great friend to this blog.

And check back soon and often because we have a few Birdemic related items to throw your way. Why? Becaue it's time to break the silence, like that masked magician from that Fox show. And it's always great fun. Thanks again, Whit.

Yes indeed.

A Blogger Wake Up Call

2009-08-20T08:01:00.012-05:00

We here at Lazlo's Closet try to steer clear of all things gossip and trash. But this affects all bloggers and well, quite frankly proves that there is a fine line between sarcasm and hell, just plain mean.

A former Vogue model Liskula Cohen, 36, sued Google to learn the identity of a blogger who posted pics of her at a club and made crude comments about them on the blog "Skanks in NYC" such as “How old is this skank? 40 something?” … “She’s a psychotic, lying, whoring, still going to clubs at her age, skank.” If you're in the public eye, should you not care what people say and write about you? Maybe, but she did and well - she also won. New York Supreme Court Judge Madden ordered the identify the anonymous blogger to be revealed, which then Google (which hosts this blog, hundreds of thousands of other blogs and the blog in question) turned over to Cohen.

“The protection of the right to communicate anonymously must be balanced against the need to assure that those persons who choose to abuse the opportunities presented by this medium can be made to answer for such transgressions,” Judge Madden said.

Apparently, Cohen plans to sue the blogger, who turned out to be a female acquaintance she knows, but not a close friend. Her attorney stated that he and his client are “happy that the court recognizes that the Internet is not a place where people can freely defame people.”

The blogger’s attorney, Anne Salisbury, contends that her client’s defense is based on the Bill of Rights. “These words are not actionable,” Salisbury said. “They were not nice, they were insulting, offensive to some. That does not mean that the law provides redress for these insults. So the defense is really, this is free speech.”

According to CBS News legal analyst Lisa Bloom, the ruling should be a “wake-up call” to bloggers. While this is a definite win for Cohen, it also opens the door for the 350,000 other bloggers who will now use this story as a springboard to go out of their way in finding many, different and interesting ways to legally refer to Liskula Cohen as a "skank".

I'm not saying it's right, it's just the reality.

-portions of this post taken from the AP and www.bittenandbound.com and thanks to them.

The "Kinda Late But Still Wicked Cool" Lazlo's Closet Exclusive...

2009-08-14T00:56:00.009-05:00

nuff said

Giddy I tell ya...

2009-08-10T08:16:00.004-05:00

Well people, I'm not at all embarrassed to admit to anyone reading this - that I am (as the title implies) giddy. Like stereotypical Japanese schoolgirl giddy or the opening day 10:30am screening of Gremlins, Tron or Baby! Secret of the Lost Legend giddy....

And the reason I'm giddy is that I will be reviewing a film that has potential to bring joy to mankind the world over. And a film that I've been waiting to review for a very, very long time. A film, that at one time I would've given my right arm to see...again. But since time has passed, I can only assume that the arm thing will no longer be necessary. So what film is this? What film had me considering lopping off an appendage in exchange for an evening of uninhibited ecstasy with this film? Well, I can't tell you that because it would ruin the surprise, but I will give you a real quick hint.

Blamo!

Ah ha. Well, there it is. And just for the record, I don't know what IntroVision is, but this film apparently used the fuck out of it - thus deeming it credit worthy. But regardless, this review may be the greatest review of a film in the history of cinema. I'm just warning all of you. AND I'm also fully aware that there's no way I can ever live up to that ridiculous prediction, but care not do I, Oh my Brothers. Because this flick is the cat's fucking meow. Also, we'll have some more Selenium Apocalypse reviews plus (if everything goes according to plan), something involving Lorenzo Lamas. Can I get a Booya!?

So check back soon and often, because my review of this film will be up real soon. Please. Or this will happen to Steven Baldwin's face again.

And that's just not fair.

The Hurt Locker (Selenium Apocalypse)

2009-08-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

The Hurt Locker
starring Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty
directed by Kathryn Bigelow

Mel Gibson shot through the stratosphere of true stardom after he made Lethal Weapon. Gibson’s take on Sgt. Martin Riggs was spot on perfect. Riggs was a great cop that always got his guy no matter what he had to do to get him. He constantly bucked the system and put his own safety in jeopardy to bring the bad guys down. Riggs was a chain smoking, crazy son of a bitch that you didn’t want to cross. Let’s face it people. No one does crazy or revenge better than Mel. Look at the love that my fellow Lazlo brethren have thrown the way of Riggs. He won the cage match against Swayze’s Dalton from Road House. I loved Mel and I forever love the character of Riggs. So, this weekend I decide to go see this movie that the critics are raving about. It’s called The Hurt Locker. I went in expecting to see a movie about war and came out getting so much more out of it. This is the second best film of the year slightly behind MOON.

Jeremy Renner. Remember this man’s name. Renner plays Staff Sgt. William James. He is the guy that you call to defuse bombs in war-ridden Iraq. This is the job that no one wants; yet James loves his job. He is part of a three man team that are sent out to investigate sites all around when patrols find something suspicious. James’ supporting crew is made up of Sgt. J.T. Sanborn (played by Anthony Mackie) and Specialist Owen Eldridge (played by Brian Geraghty). It is their job to suit James up in the bomb protection gear and cover him while James goes to investigate the potential threat. Sanborn is strictly “by the book”. He automatically clashes with James’ approach to the job. James does very little “by the book”. He goes into these intense situations with reckless abandon. Those bombs are his “bad guys” and he will stop at nothing until all of the bombs are defused. To do a job like this you have to be a little crazy. He puts himself into these situations where it is his ass on the line and he seems to get off on it. Starting to sound familiar. The character of William James is the closest character I’ve seen come close to Gibson’s Martin Riggs. Renner plays James as a chain smoking, heavy metal listening, potential psycho, who is anxious to get his next fix of adrenaline. Renner’s performance is outstanding and very worthy of an Oscar nod for Best Actor. I could also see Anthony Mackie pull down a Best Supporting Actor nod for his strong performance as Sanborn.

Kathryn Bigelow directed a war movie. The words Bigelow and Oscar don’t mix very well. She directed Point Break for fuck's sake. I went in doubting her ability to pull this off. I figured that she would go the gimmick way with the shaky hand held style that is so en vogue these days. I’m not a fan of that at all. I want to see what is going on. Bigelow did the exact opposite. She gets right in on Renner’s face and eyes so that you can see every bead of sweat falling off of his brow as he working with the bombs. Then she cuts to wide shots of the buildings surrounding the bombsite to add to the intensity. Every person watching from above is a potential threat. This is followed by a shot of supporting crew as they are trying to keep a handle on the situation from afar. This was so effective and so much appreciated. Every bomb scene was so stressful to watch. You are literally on the edge of your seat waiting for something awful to go down. Bigelow well deserves any accolades she gets from this film.

I can’t emphasize enough how great this film is. It’s in a limited release right now. But, I advise all of you to look for it. Renner’s performance is worth the price of admission alone. Bigelow definitely called in some favors for this film from some of her actor friends. This movie is showered with cameo performances. Guy Pearce, Ralph Fiennes, David Morse, and Evangeline Lilly all make small appearances and make their mark with the small amount of time that they have. Wow, I would never have thought that my two favorite films of the year would come out in the summer.

P.S. – I have fallen slightly behind in my reviewing duties due to other obligations that I have. However, you can look forward to reviews of 500 Days Of Summer and Funny People. Also on the horizon, we have GI Joe, District 9, and Inglorious Basterds. Stay tuned!

_ Rick

SYFY Channel Original Movie Monday: DRAGONQUEST

2009-08-04T17:33:00.033-05:00

Capping off a Saturday evening with a SYFY original movie is sadly becoming a bit of a tradition in my home. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good low budget movie with a predictable premise (this is no secret, and please make note that I used the word "good" in there) some of those movies have what genre fans lovingly referred to as an "MST3K factor" referring of course to Mystery Science Theater 3000 which basically means "this movie is great to watch with friends and make fun of." This also means you may need to drink heavily to get through said film thus making the experience that much more enjoyable.
That being said, I don't think Dragon Quest was anywhere near the "Good low budget" category. The kindest thing I could say is that the film would be worthy of an all out assault by Joel/ Mike and the Bots.
Dragonquest is directed by Mark Atkins who you may not know from his cinematography work on such direct to DVD fodder as War Of The Worlds 2 starring C. Thomas Howell, 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea starring Lorenzo Lamas and (my favorite) Snakes On A Train starring no one in particular...anyway...
Arkadi (Daniel Bonjour) is the reluctant hero of our epic tale. He may only have one expression, but he has a magic shirt, a shirt of ever-changing! This has nothing to do with the story but I'm guessing either the editor of this film took the short bus to work every day or they lost the original shirt sometime during the shoot and just went with whatever spare shirts they found on set because this guy had what looked like three rotating shirts that appeared and disappeared throughout the production.

I decided on the tan shirt for the quest, what do you think?

A white short sleeve shirt, which suddenly changed to a tan long sleeve shirt, and then changed again to a red-ish shirt with a collar... not to harp on the subject of shirts, but in the tavern scene the tags of the re-appearing white shit are poking out from behind our heroes neck during one of his "I don't know if I can do this" speeches. (Size M 50% Polyester )
Arkadi is destined to stop the evil wizard Kirill (Brian Thompson) from summoning the dragon of darkness by finding the seven stones of the virtues and placing them in a real nifty amulet.

He is aided on his quest by Knight of the Brotherhood Maxim (Marc Singer) who's supporting character is a cross between Mickey from Rocky and Popeye, with a froggy voice and hobble in his step Maxim acts as Arkadi's conscience reminding him of the seven virtues the chosen one must follow to be able to find the stones and prepare for the fight of his life. He drops some major wisdom along the way as well.

"We are always weakest when we feel strongest. and your lucky numbers are 5 and 17."

Our bland shirt changing hero is also accompanied by Warrior Princess lite Katya (Jennifer Dorogi) who's character follows the current fantasy film mantra, "women Kick a whole lot more ass than all the men combined in the film" but her make-up is still good and thick and she even sleeps in her leather head band.

By the penciled eyebrows of Athena, I swear vengence!

So the quest begins and our heroes begin the search for the seven stones. Here is a capsulation of what happens during the quest for the stones.
Stone #1 PATIENCE: May have been the most confusing one to follow, as the characters approach a large swamp Maxim prepares Arkadi for what is to come as they stop near a body of stagnant water. The stone is somewhere in the lake and Arkadi prepares to dive in to find a stone the size of a 2 karat diamond (at night btw). Before he can dip his big toe in the water he is swallowed whole by a giant serpent. While in the belly of the beast he smacks two stones together but is spit back out by the serpent before anything can happen. As he stands on the edge of the lake (still with the same dazed look he's had since scene one) He is swallowed again by the giant snake so out come the rocks and he strikes them against each other creating a pathetically small spark (I was assuming the entire time he was trying to start a fire to help free himself) He is spit out by the serpent yet again. As Maxim looks to Arkadi as if to say "WELL?" Arkadi sits and lights up a hash pipe and takes a couple of tokes. The serpent re-emerges and swallows Arkadi AGAIN. Before exhaling he notices a glint somewhere in the giant snake stomach, and the first stone is found! I am assuming that stone was about patience...only because Marc Singer said it was, I don't see how that encounter had anything to do with patience except for my sitting through it.
Stone#2 CHASTITY: was about being chaste and respectful as he refuses the advances of a hot babe in a bubble bath...whatever sissy. The funny thing is after he took the stone he didn't even say "thank you".
Stone#3 DILEGANCE : For helping a captive escape from the dungeon of some warlord Arkadi is given the next stone and a box of gold. upon opening the box and seeing the riches within he exclaims "Now I can buy two..." TWO OF WHAT? that's going to haunt me for weeks...

Hey with this gold I could buy two...

Stone#4 I HAVE NO IDEA: This stone was found in a dark cave with a giant CGI Spider which did nothing but walk slowly past our hero who's plan was to stand very still allowing the spider to pass. Looking down he finds the next stone embedded in a helmet. Bravery?
Stone #5 CHARITY: Our heroes find a bum on the beach and give him the box of gold he received from the prisoner a few scenes ago. In exchange the bum gives Arkadi the next stone. Good thing he wasn't near a pawn shop.
Stone #6 KINDNESS: After Marc Singer is killed (OOPS SPOILER ALERT) his remains are brought to who we can only assume is his wife. She gives Arkadi the stone for honoring her fallen husband...Be at rest Beastmaster your part in this is over collect your paycheck and go home.
Stone #7 AGAIN, NO IDEA because I don't remember the seventh stone even being mentioned. He just kind of went after the bad guy at this point.
So after all this work Arkadi faces off with the black hooded wizard Kirill who quickly snatched up the amulet of power and tossed it over a cliff. Luckily for our hero Maxim's last words were "The power of the virtues are not in the stones...They are in YOU." I was floored... So after the most BORING climactic battle EVER which was for the most part a staring contest TO THE DEATH! Arkadi summons the dragon of light to combat Kirill's dragon of darkness...Blah-dee Blah-dee Blah, the end.
So in conclusion I think that unless you have the following qualities: Purity, Self Control, Generosity, Persistence, Peace, Satisfaction, and Bravery you will not emerge from the bowels of this movie unscathed if viewed in it's entirerty So we at Lazlo's Closet are going to give you the final moments of Dragonquest to enjoy with as little damage to your soul as possible.Good luck!

Lazlo Gives Back

2009-07-29T07:49:00.008-05:00

I know many people are struggling with the decision on whether or not to actively seek out the 2007 Swedish film Du levande. The film, translated as You, the Living, was directed by Songs from the Second Floor director Roy Andersson and has yet to find an American audience with a Region 1 DVD release. It's a tough call, one that I completely understand as I've been toiling with this same decision myself for some time now. So as we all have the same difficult choice ahead of us, I have posted the opening of this film to aid everyone still teetering on the fence. I hope this was as helpful to you as it was to me.

And no, that wasn't a real dog.

Dear Torchwood (A Very Special Tuesday Guest Post)

2009-07-28T07:00:00.002-05:00

The following is a review/commentary on the all around melt-in-your-mouth goodness that is the television show Torchwood. It is also written by friend of Lazlo, fellow blogger and wordsmith extraordinaire Goddessdster.

I love Torchwood like I love eighties-era Bon Jovi, without shame or guilt, but with the knowledge that only other fans truly understand. This Dr. Who spin-off series exploded onto BBC3 three years ago and quickly gained popularity for its sassy, sexy delivery of campy sci-fi. This past week, BBCAmerica premiered the long-awaited third series of this sometimes giggle inducing, sometimes exciting show with the superior Torchwood: Children of Earth.

Torchwood: outside the government, beyond the police.
Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race.
The 21st Century is when everything changes --
and Torchwood is ready.

To enjoy Torchwood is to understand the appeal that is Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman). Captain Jack is an immortal, 51st Century, former time-traveling con artist, and the irreverent, saucy, sexy, charismatic head of the Torchwood Three branch of a special-ops group that investigates and contains extraterrestrial incursions in the UK. Barrowman's Captain Jack isn't the most accomplished actor on the small screen. He plays best when approaching material that requires tough bravado or flirtatious devil-may-care leadership. Scenes which require more depth, such as rage or grief, feel flat. The viewer cares little, though, because Barrowman's charisma transcends his two-dimensional acting ability.

Children of Earth may be difficult to follow at first for the newbie. The characters at the start of this series have just suffered the devastating loss of two of their team members and aren't acting like their usual selves. I've been told the Welsh accent is tough for the uninitiated. Character nuances, that fans are aware of, may be lost on the unfamiliar. But that shouldn't stop anyone from watching. Because this installment, originally aired as a five-night miniseries, reminded me of the best of The X-Files, Millenium, and Heroes (when it was good), and I believe it is still approachable even if the characters aren't known to you.

Series creator, Russell T. Davies, took the usual Torchwood formula of Threat--Team Response--Team in Peril--Captain Jack Gets Killed--Captain Jack Comes Back to Life--Team Bickers--Team Works Together for the Greater Good--Threat is Removed/Delayed/Lessened--Team Hug, and threw it on its arse by introducing a mysterious new alien enemy that puts the whole world in peril. Team Torchwood is unable to respond as they normally do because they are in the dark as much as anyone else. Also, they are under attack by their own government in order to protect knowledge of evil deeds from the past.

This series broke my heart and kicked my ass over five nights of tense expectancy and it delivered. New, fully three-dimensional characters are introduced with such subtle depth that they are actual players in what is happening, not just cardboard cut-outs to keep the plot moving (I would like to bring particular attention to the work of Peter Capaldi as John Frobisher - government flunky and patsy in the events at hand). We also get to know the surviving members of the team better. Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles), who is Jack's "Everywoman," may not be as babelicious as Chuck's Sarah Walker, but she kicks infinitely more ass, and makes us care about what is happening. Her husband Rhys (Kai Owen) finds himself uncomfortably in the middle of these events, a place he is usually happy to leave to Gwen. And Ianto Jones (Gareth David-Lloyd), the former "coffee boy," has in recent months found himself in a position of more importance, both in Torchwood and Jack's heart.

Yes, Jack always wears the coat and Ianto always wears a suit, why do you ask?

Each night's succeeding layer upon layer of complexity and drama left me literally swallowing my heart as I awaited new installments. I left work every day excited and nervous the same way I used to get about Battlestar Galactica. I yearned for an easy solution as the situation worsened. And the lesson here - if you want to take a lesson from it - is that there are no easy solutions to fucked-up situations of our own making. Hard choices have to be made along with sacrifices. There will be loss. There will be heartbreak. There will be twists and turns and an ending I could never foresee, during which I was sitting on the edge of my sofa, hands clutched, thinking, "Holy shit. Holy shit," in stunned silence as the credits rolled.

This was one of the best weeks of television I have watched in a long time, and though it surprises me the source was a show I watched mainly for its escapist qualities, I was certainly not disappointed to find simply quality. Do yourselves a favor and just try it when it comes out on DVD. Get to know what thoughtful, intelligent Sci-Fi can be when told from the perspective of a show that never took itself too seriously.

Torchwood: Children of Earth will be released on DVD on Tuesday, July 28.

Goddessdster writes on livejournal, where her opinions, musings and thoughts pop in cyber-magically on a daily basis. The author appears courtesy of, well...herself. Thanks again, D and as always, be careful of Fenster. He has the ability to flip ya'.

SYFY "ORIGINAL" MOVIE MONDAY: MALIBU SHARK ATTACK

2009-07-26T15:12:00.033-05:00

MALIBU SHARK ATTACK starring Peta Wilson (La Femme Nikita) Chelan Simmons (Final Destination 3) Warren Christie (Battlestar Galactica) An underwater earthquake generates a tsunami that strikes Malibu and brings a hunting pack of prehistoric-looking goblin sharks to the surface. Although the beach is evacuated before the big wave strikes, a group of lifeguards and a crew of construction workers are stranded in the high water and have to fight the sharks to get to dry land. This is not so much a full review but more of an observation. I don't know what it is with Sci-Fi Ch...oh wait sorry SY FY, they have a thing for giant animal / fish / insect movies. There's honestly not much to report on Malibu Shark Attack except I can't believe there is yet another shark film out there for (pardon the pun) public consumption...

I will say I appreciate the teaming up of lifeguards and construction workers. I don't think Baywatch even broke that ground. Also the use of chainsaws against sharks, I kind of liked that actually. It was almost as groundbreaking as the Zombie vs. Shark fight in Lucio Fulci's Zombie.

Still one of the coolest things EVER put on film (. period)

Fun Fact - Since Malibu Shark Attack aka Goblin Shark Attack was filmed in Australia they were able to use real (dead) sharks for the chainsaw scenes. Eat that PETA! (Not Wilson, of course.)

One of my favorite quotes is from producer Dale Bradley in an interview with Fangoria.com during pre-production where he mentions "We’ve got another scene that’s a bit of a homage to JAWS 3-D, where a parasailor gets into all sorts of trouble and ends up being half the man he used to be.” Honestly does Jaws 3-D really deserve a nod of any sort?

I coming for you Louis Gossett Jr!

Well I for one am calling "FOUL" aka Bullshit, on the newly ebonicly named SYFY channel for their new movie MALIBU SHARK ATTACK which I firmly believe was at the very LEAST inspired by the Lazlo's Closet spoof SHARKS IN VEGAS, SHARKS IN VEGAS part 2...I mean, Sharks ON LAND - IN-DOORS, c'mon we have practically invented the genre! Also coming soon "BAIT" another in-door shark flick reeled in by once inspirational maverick director turned "meh" director Russell Mulcahy (Highlander), not to say that I was not inspired by his masterpiece Duran Duran music video "Wild Boys" ... But that's another post entirely.

BAIT is set in a coastal town where a freak tsunami floods and traps shoppers in a supermarket with an armed maniac and a pack of hungry tiger sharks that have been washed into the building. I'm going on record here stating that I believe Lazlo's Closet has started a new trend of thriller movie here with two examples already at hand. With our ridiculous (yet lovingly crafted) spoof treatment of Sharks in Venice, a new vein of entertainment has been tapped, and as you all know, when a new sub-genre of film is created and is embraced by Hollywood the imitators come in droves. I would expect at least 2 - 3 indoor shark films for each of the 346 known species of shark that have ever existed at one point on the planet. Which would approximately flood the DVD shelves and cable boxes with around 1,038 In-door shark movies within the next decade.

It is for this potential influx of fish poo that we at Lazlo's Closet would like to publicly apologies and ask for your forgiveness. The written word is a powerful thing...My god what have we set lose upon the world...

Fweew...well at least I didn't unlock a stream of crappy SHARK FILMS upon the world!

DVD Love & The 10 Films That Need It - Bad!

2009-07-24T08:00:00.001-05:00

Just the other day, Phil and I were pondering the immortal words of Socrates who said: "Why the fuck aren't these movies on DVD?!" Alright, there's a good chance that Socrates never pondered why his favorite films were never released digitally in a small, semi-flexible discus format. But none-the-less, I know all of you poor bastards have had that same thought at least at one time or another, just as we did. So why, then? Why are these films not readily available for my grimy hands to pop out of it's case and slap it into my DVD player so as to actually be able to view this film without ever having the thought "Why won't the tracking button get rid of that unholy jump at the bottom of the screen? Wait...fuck! Now it's at the top!". Well, if you throw out reason, intellectual thought, cost and the fact that none of these gems could even come close to scaring up a profit, I can't find one solid reason.

So here goes, but understand - this isn't the top 10 DVD-less films of all time. So don't start yelling at us about "Why ain't Bullies on your list? It's only Olivia D'Abo's finest performance like, ever" or "where in the fuck is Big Bad Mama 2? This blog is ass!". It's a the first 10 that popped into our heads list. But feel free to comment on a movie you want on DVD, just no yelling. You may wake up Phil's children.

So, in no particular order, well except the first one...

1. Megaforce

What kind of a world do we live in where I can Netflix Spacehunter, Battle Beyond the Stars, Ice Pirates or fucking Solarbabies...but no Ace Hunter sporting the thin headband holding back his long, feathered wisps of manly hair firing missiles from flying motorcycles? Dear Anyone with the ability to distribute DVD's: For the love of Jesus Christ, help me give you money.

It's deeds not words, Janet. Damnit!

2. Spellbinder

I had a thing for Kelly Preston back in the 80's and early 90's and I remember this to be one of her best. Spellbinder starred Tim Daly, Rick Rossovich along side Kelly Preston and a whole lotta witchcraft. Nothing but some goold ole' fashioned straight-to-video fun from 1988 and a must for Preston fans, pre Wings Daly fans or any of the 7 members from the Rick Rossovich Fan Club. Lord knows they do who love them some Slider. (And yes guys! I will finally sign your "Release Pacific Blue" petition. )

3. Jack's Back

I saw this movie one time back when it first came out in the late 80's. But I really can't remember anything about it except that it was a modern day Jack the Ripper starring Spader in a duel role as twins and one was left handed (and I think that was a twist). So I looked it up the other day and realized that it also starred my favorite Youngblood actress Cynthia Gibb and was directed by none other than Rowdy "I directed the crap out of Road House" Herrington! And, ahem, I really think I liked it. I need to confirm this in a digital format.

4. The Unnamable

A film so bad, not even H.P. Lovecraft could drum up a handle for this freakshow that was supposed to be scary. But it wasn't. It was really kinda boring. But the title always cracked me up. And if a film dares to name itself after an unnamable monster thus technically rendering the film nameless, well to me - you deserve a spot in my collection, Big Guy. If it were only available, hmmmm.....

5. Alligator 2

For a film as awesomely cheeseball as Alligator, when there's a sequel that I had no idea even existed...well then, I need to own it. (side note - In a drunken stupor, I wanted to put Prospero's Books by Peter Greenaway here but Phil called bullshit. You know what? On second thought go ahead and yell. Wake up his kids for all I care...)

6. Killer Fish

Alright, truth. Phil and I are saddened and pained to admit that we've never seen Killer Fish. Because we really, really, really, really, really, really, really need to see this film. Lee Majors. Karen Black. Ill tempered marine life. Simply put: required viewing.

Phil says he doesn't even care about DVD, he'll take Beta if need be.

7. Hercules vs The Hydra

Jayne Mansfield in a Hercules film. Like chocolate and nugget or shower scenes and abandoned, remote cabins in the woods near an insane asylum - a combination near impossible to deny. There's no reason to explain what this film is about because it's awful and bad and ridiculously amazing! If you don't believe me, check out this actual review from Amazon...

3.0 out of 5 stars, August 10, 2008
By Deacon Mo (Colorado)

There are at least 3 reasons to like this film:
1. Yes, yes; Jayne's body is mesmerizing.
2. Some of the sets are just fantastic. Much imagination and craft went in to creating them.

I love the fact that they only give us 2 of the 3 reasons. So, if you love films with fantastic sets or Jayne Mansfield's body, look no further my friends. But I'm still unsure if the fantastic sets comment was with pun intended.

Actual "non English" poster

8. Mindwarp

"A non stop spiral of action and suspense" starring Bruce Campbell and Angus Scrimm. Um, do you even need to know what this baby is about? It's got Bruce, Angus and a spiral of action and suspense. And the back of the box says "see it at your own risk." For whatever that's worth to ya...Hell, I think even Faces of Death had that on the box. Now that's fucking surious! And we're both Bruce whores so it really doesn't matter what it's about.

9. Whore

When the director of Altered States & Lair of the White Worm hooks up with Theresa Russell playing a - well you know, the title kinda says it all. Gritty and uncompromising and directed by Ken Russell. But the best version to own is the one from Spain (for translation purposes alone).
10. Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn

Okay, All I know is that I saw this film in the theater and there's a real good chance that at that time I probably thought it was greatest film ever made. But as of today, I feel fairly confident that I was probably dead ass wrong about that. Truth is, I can't remember a fucking thing about this movie. I have no idea where in the hell the city of Jared Syn is, let alone how or when it was destroyed. And what about this freak Metalstorm? What is a Metalstorm? How did it form? Are they relegated to a certain part of the world or atmospheric conditions? Is a Metalstorm what actually caused the Mayans to stop creating calendars? Or maybe that's what destroyed Jared Syn! Wait, I think Kelly Preston was in this bastard too.

I guess I could read the synopsis on Amazon or imdb it, but that would be too easy. Give me a DVD release so I can settle this the way Jesus intended - by watching it on DVD. In stereo (see box)

Or I could just ask Sam...

Fair enough.

The Dark Side of the Moon Stops the Selenium Apocalypse

2009-07-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

Moon
Starring Sam Rockwell & the voice of Kevin Spacey
Directed by Duncan Jones

On Sunday, a choice had to be made. Do I go see Johnny Depp and Christian Bale play cat and mouse in Public Enemies, or do I go see Moon with Sam Rockwell? The decision was easy. I chose Moon. I went with Moon because of the stellar reviews that I read about it. Also, it’s a small independent film that will not have the shelf life that Public Enemies will have. I definitely chose the right film. I walked out of Moon knowing that this was the best film that I’ve seen all year. It also gave me hope in cinema again. If you have a great actor, a great script, and a clear distinct vision, the rest will take care of itself.

A big part of the credit goes to the film’s director, Duncan Jones, a first time feature director. I was blown away by the maturity of this film. Many young directors today want to “jerk off” on an audience--trying to make a name for themselves by using gimmicks and showy devices that they can call their own. It gives them a “style.” I’ve got a suggestion for these guys: Carry out your vision by making the acting and the story your “style.” Jones accomplishes this impeccably. Also, he does a great job of paying homage to the films that influenced him, but making this movie his own unique creation. Automatically, you see heavy influences from 2001: A Space Odyssey. The isolation factors of Silent Running. The exterior moon scenes have the look of Outland with a little Alien thrown in for good measure. This is pure, hard science fiction here. I’m not talking little green men, space battles, and explosions (Fuck you, Michael Bay!). What makes Jones’ movie unique and makes it stand out from the films listed above is that this is a very personal, human story at its core. It deals with the human condition when put in an “alien” environment. It deals with feelings of loss, depression, and borderline insanity. All of these things are all too human. The film’s pacing is well executed, while very calm and painstaking in its measure, there is always this tension that hovers above it. It’s very clever how he pulled that off. Duncan Jones should be praised by the MOVIE GODS for taking five million dollars and making a film that looks like it cost fifty million. There was no CGI that I could see or that was obvious. It appears that he used many practical effects. In today’s film climate, this is highly refreshing to see. Jones directed and carried out his vision flawlessly. He is one talented director to watch for in the future. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that he’s the son of David Bowie. He’s got great genes.

I’ve had the honor and privilege to meet and hang out with the film’s composer, Clint Mansell. Back in 2006, he and Darren Aronofsky screened the movie The Fountain at Fantastic Fest in Austin. When the opportunity presented itself, I had to jump at it. We discussed the Requiem For A Dream score quite a bit, and he was also tickled that I was a fan of his old group, Pop Will Eat Itself. I feel that the music he composed for Moon is the best score that I’ve heard for a movie since The Dark Knight. Clint’s score is dark and ominous and it fits the tone of the film perfectly. However, in the later parts of the film, it gets lighter symbolizing hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is just spot-on perfect throughout. I truly feel that the score was its own character in the movie. That’s what a great score should be. Clint really outdid himself.

Give this man his Oscar! Sam Rockwell is an acting GOD. He first kicked my ass playing Chuck Barris in Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, a film loaded with A-list movie stars, yet Rockwell outshined everyone and carried it. He gets steady work, but he seems to always get these supporting roles. If he ever really wanted to truly be the whole show, then he picked the right role. Rockwell plays Sam Bell, the caretaker of a mining facility on the dark side of the moon. He is there alone with only a computer (named GERTY, voiced by Kevin Spacey) to keep him company. All Sam wants to do is go home. It is brutal watching him just try to survive those final days until his replacement comes. He goes through an entire spectrum of emotions. Rockwell’s performance is an absolute tour de force, especially considering he is the only actor in 98% of the scenes. The best part of his performance is how openly vulnerable he plays Sam. You are rooting for this man to get his wish to go home while every possible obstacle stops him. Even when he doubts his sanity, you are right there with him hoping that it’s just loneliness that makes him see these things. Sam Bell is one of the most interesting characters I have witnessed in a film in a long time. Did he take this job because he was a distant person that was very work driven, knowing the price he would pay in his family life? Was this a very selfish, soulless act? Probably. But by the end of this film you know Sam has a soul and an identity. I’ll just leave it at that.

So, what’s the plot? I’ve given you the bare minimum and that’s all you’re going to get. I’ve described all you need to know about how a brilliant movie is created: Duncan had the vision, Clint set the tone, Sam is the glue that holds it all together. If you read this, I beg you to find a theater and see this film. It’s given me back my faith in movies!

-Rick

Great review, Rick. I too saw Moon and planned on posting a double review for this great film. But when a review is spot on - it's spot on. I completely agree with everything Rick put in this review. So see this film, people. Seriously. Great cinema is hard enough to come by these days, but great cinematic sci-fi? It's worth that extra pain-in-the-ass 15 minute drive to your local "arty" theater. Straight the `eff up.

Selenium Apocalypse; Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

2009-07-15T15:45:00.021-05:00

We here at Lazlo's Closet wish to Thank Madison Rose (my daughter) for filling us in on the newest installment of the JK Rowling series Harry Potter. The following is a review of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" as seen by a tweenie....

"Last night (July 14th) I went with my cousins, mother, two aunts, uncle and a friend to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Now if you didn't read the book you're probably wondering who the Half Blood Prince is, right? Well you won't know from here, LOL. In this movie Harry learns the depth of how far Voldemort was willing to go to make himself invincible. It starts with the death eaters destroying most of Diagon Alley, which I didn't really like that much. Snape makes an unbreakable vow with Narcissa Malfoy.

Harry is taken from a train station by Dumbledore. They(Harry and Dumbledore) go on a mission to recruit a person for professor, since there is an open position at Hogworts after Prof. Umbridge went crazy because of the centaurs at the end of Order of the Phoenix. He meets Prof. Slughorn, who used to teach at Hogworts. He taught many students including Lily (Evens)Potter and Voldemort. The professor seems to have been very fond of Lily, Harry's mom. When Harry gets to the welcoming feast there is a bit of a twist that surprised me. All the usual people are back at the school, Luna, Ron, Hermione, Neville and Draco. Draco was very different in this movie then other movies. He was way more sinister. The school is being plagued by really dark magic. And to make it feel even more creepy, Dumbledore's right hand is all black and dead looking through the whole film. In total this movie was much darker. Except for the love parts. I think that JK Rowling went really wrong with who she paired everyone with. It seemed really typical that she put certain people together. What JK did with her couples is what my dad would call, "Greedo shooting first!"

cold....

freezing!

now THAT'S hot!

I did totally LOVE the movie though. The ending is a real tear jerker. There wasn't a dry eye. There is a lot of work ahead of Harry if he's going to beat Voldemort. I guess we'll have to see how it comes out in movie 7. I recommend you seeing the movie. I rate it a four star movie for sure." -Madison Rose

Thank you Madi for joining in and hitting one out of the park for the Selenium Apocalypse. Unfortunately you cannot turn this in for a grade this September...Sorry kid. - Dad (aka Phil)

bruno: (Or Selenium Apocalypse has a one night stand with Bruno plus tidbits on Betaplayer and Green Lantern)

2009-07-13T00:07:00.006-05:00

bruno
Starring Sacha Baron Cohen
Directed by Larry Charles

When I saw Borat a couple of years ago, I was laughing so hard through the whole movie I almost lost consciousness. After the movie, my waitress at the Alamo Drafthouse grabbed me on the way out of the theater and told me that she couldn’t tell if I was laughing really hard or if she was going to have to call paramedics. Granted, Sacha Baron Cohen is a one trick pony. It’s fantastic the first time, but it sort of loses its edge on repeated viewings. There is nothing better than his use of awkward, squirm in your seat comedy. Also, his fearless use of anti political correctness is refreshing in today’s social landscape. He has become the new “King “ of this style of humor. Which brings me to his new comedy assault, Bruno.

Cohen’s Bruno is a gay, Austrian fashion expert who is humiliated and ostracized when he wears a Velcro suit to a fashion show and ends up ruining it. Disgraced, Bruno decides to head to America to take back his fame and become the biggest star in the world. Things do not go according to plan. There are three sequences in this film that had me gasping for air. The sex scene with the pygmy is so wrong on so many levels, but hysterical. Then Bruno adopts his African gayby, OJ. He goes on The Richard Bey Show and shows off his picture portfolio that he has done with OJ. It’s so wrong. My personal favorite is when Bruno goes to the swinger’s party. Bruno decides that he has to learn to be straight if he is going to be a big star. He gets cornered and brought into a room by this really kinky woman who starts whipping him with her belt. This was not fake either; she was whipping the shit out of him. Finally, he makes his escape by crashing through the window and runs for his life. When Bruno is funny, it’s tears in the eyes, hold your side funny. The main problem is that the laughs were not as rapid fire as they were in Borat. Also, the fake Austrian accent was hard to understand sometimes.

Bruno was definitely worth the price of admission. I enjoyed the movie, but it is not the comedy champion of the summer--that prize still belongs to The Hangover. I really recommend seeing this film, but it ain’t going to kill you if you miss it.

On a side note for the Austin folks that read the site, I highly recommend checking out Betaplayer at a club near you. They are big fans of Lazlo’s Closet, so I wanted to throw some love back at them. You can check them out on July 30 at the Beauty Bar on 7th street. They are killer live. Some old school Hip Hop with a badass backing band. These guys bring it…BIG TIME.

Geek News Item Of The Weekend – Ryan Reynolds will play Hal Jordan in Green Lantern. I think that this is solid casting by director Martin Campbell that will finally put Reynolds on the A List. Also, it keeps 20th Century Fox from making a Deadpool movie spin-off from the shit that was X-Men Origins – Wolverine! Nice job, Warner Brothers! Selenium Apocalypse returns again on Wednesday with reviews from Mark & I of our favorite film of the year, Moon.

News Flash! Michael Bay's bad influence on Hollywood brings about the END OF THE WORLD!

2009-07-10T11:04:00.009-05:00

Yes it's true after the success of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (and let's clarify that Transformers may be a monetary success, but a crashing epic fail for the soul of film in general.) We have an even bigger and badder piece of disaster porn to look forward to in the near future. Michael Bay's eternal big budget nemesis Roland Emmerich (Godzilla, Day After Tomorrow and ID4) fweew - that's a portfolio of Doom with footage of a lot of shit getting crushed. Is bringing us 2012. So get ready to see ALL of your favorite landmarks get wiped off the map AGAIN plus a few Roland forgot about in his last few films.

Now I ask you, after viewing that piece of Ragnarok like destruction how is Mr. Bay going to compete? How do you top the end of the world? Well we at Lazlo's Closet have found out through our secret film informant...aka Carl, this drunk guy who Rick picks up off the floor of the Alamo Drafthouse from time to time who told us Michael Bay's next film is to be titled CHAIN EFFECT where world death happens to not only Earth but to every planet in the solar system one by one, starting with that mysterious black planet discovered beyond Pluto (recently demoted to a really large ice ball) which explodes for no reason what-so-ever and begins a chain reaction of cosmic destruction up the solar system line counting down until Earth's final day but then going on until the finale of the Sun exploding rivaling the blast of a million Death Star Stations! That's what I call BOX OFFICE BABY! Mr. Bay was quoted "You really will need to view CHAIN EFFECT in the IMAX format to truly understand my vision...oh and EAT IT EMMERICH!"

Away We Go (Selenium Apocalypse Goes Small & Indie)

2009-07-03T18:10:00.006-05:00

Away We Go
Starring John Krasinski & Maya Rudolph, Allison Janney, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Catherine O’Hara & Jeff Daniels
Directed by Sam Mendes

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to check out some “smaller” movies to bring me back down to ground after all of the “larger” movies I had consumed. I made up a small hit list, and the first one I attended was Away We Go directed by the great Sam Mendes, whose past credits include American Beauty, Road to Perdition, Jarhead, and Revolutionary Road. If this man makes a film, I can pretty much guarantee that I will see it in the theatre. It’s so amazing Mendes has only directed five films and they all have been excellent. There just aren’t many directors that have that kind of track record. The man definitely has the eye to select well-written scripts and material. Away We Go for lack of a better term is his comedy. However, anyone that’s seen a Sam Mendes movie knows that it’s not going to be all laughs. I’ll get to that later.

There are those special “independent” films that come around every year that take movie audiences by storm through good word of mouth, such as Little Miss Sunshine or Juno. Away We Go is definitely in that vein, with extremely quirky characters spread throughout the film, but packed behind all of that is a ton of heart. Much credit must go to screenwriters Dave Eggers and Vendella Vida. Their script along with the direction really makes this movie shine.The basic plot of the movie is that Burt (John Krasinski) and Verona (Maya Rudolph) play an unmarried thirty-something couple who are expecting their first child. During a family dinner, Burt’s parents (Catherine O’Hara and Jeff Daniels) drop the bombshell that they are moving to Belgium for two years and will miss the birth of their grandchild. This motivates Burt and Verona to travel around the country to find their perfect place to settle and raise their child.

The rest of the movie focuses on Burt and Verona’s trip to find a home. It is here that we meet all of the quirky friends from their past. Lily (Allison Janney) is the drunken, unhappy loudmouth who scares them away from Phoenix. In Madison, we meet Ellen or LN (Maggie Gyllenhaal) with her full-proof belief system on how children should be raised. This whole sequence made for some of the biggest laughs in the movie. You will never forget the three S’s: no sugar, no strollers and no separation. Obviously, Madison will not be their final resting place.

When they make their way up to Montreal to meet up with some old friends from college, Mendes takes the film in the opposite direction. Tom and Munch (Chris Messina and Melanie Lynskey) seem on the outside to have the perfect happy life, but we quickly get an insight that this is not the case. Munch’s dance at the Gentlemen’s Club is a very effective scene. No words spoken, and it totally breaks your heart. Burt receives a call from his brother Courtney (Paul Schneider). He asks him to head down to Miami to help out because his wife has left him and their daughter.

The viewer never finds out where in the U.S. this final stop is for Burt and Verona, but they go to the home where Verona grew up. It is here that they realize that this place represented nothing but love and that’s all they will ever need. What’s so great about Burt and Verona’s journey is that they seem so real and so normal. They second-guess themselves wondering if they are fucking up. However, they always validate each other. These final scenes actually brought tears to my eyes.

The Great Mendes has struck again. I’d like to see more movies with characters like Burt and Verona. They seemed so real and authentic. I cannot express to you how blown away I was by Maya Rudolph’s performance. She is absolutely sensational in the film. Well, if you haven’t figured it out, I loved this movie. Sam Mendes is five for five. Well done, sir!

Cage Match! Badass Badguys

2009-07-01T08:00:00.002-05:00

It's back, people. And this time - it's personal. I tried to stop it but really - am I the person to tell two grown men who are characters played by actors that they can't settle their differences not by words, but with knuckles and boot leather? The answer is a firm, "um eff no!" but I truly don't believe either of these jack rabbit sonofabitches would listen even if I were that person. So today, we pit two seriously deranged badguy badasses up against each other in what could possibly be the closest match we've even had. So in this installment, we unlock the cage to give you: blond vs. blond. Right Hand Man vs. Right Hand Man. Die Hard vs. Lethal Weapon. Or...

Karl vs. Mr. Joshua

You poor bastards just got chills, right? Yeah, me too. But here's the problem . Both men are, well - dead. While both guys kicked major ass and fought to an inch of their opponents almost death, respectfully, neither truly sealed the proverbial deal and finished off the good guy. And both of these henchmen were rewarded with a "second wind back from the dead" death scene. But for the sake of this argument, let's just say that neither guy was dead, they were just mostly dead by way of multiple gunshot wounds and Miracle Max forced an over-sized horse pill down both of their mouths and - Blamo! All is right in the world (or at least for this post).

No bullshit, Jack? No bullshit, Wang. Here's how it goes down...

Having both been given a second chance on life, newly unemployed Karl from Die Hard and Mr. Joshua from Lethal Weapon became close friends. After getting an apartment together that they shared for over two years, Mr. Joshua came home one night to find Karl in bed with Mr. Joshua's girlfriend. Karl attempted to explain that he was still really upset about his brother's death at Nakatomi Plaza, but Mr. Joshua wouldn't hear of it and apparently threw his girlfriend out the window. Luckily, this allowed Karl time to put on his pants. Both men lunged at one another and good people, it was on - like Jeff Bridges' beard in King Kong. The fight went from the apartment, down the stairs, into the street, broke a fire hydrant, destroyed multiple lawns and lasted well into the night.

But who wins, right? Karl was your near complete package: Arian good looks, tall, quick, feisty temper, good at hand to hand and never met an automatic weapon he didn't like. Now Mr. Joshua - well, he's not particularly good looking, runs away well, bad temper, very good at hand to hand and also likes him some automatic weapons. So truthfully, sans the few times Mr. Joshua was not afraid to run away from impending danger to save-own-ass, these two 2nd in commands are basically the same fucking badguy. Except one's European and the other's American. One has flowing locks and the other doesn't. One was a professional ballet dancer and the other, well...is Gary Fucking Busey. Shit, these two guys would pummel each other to a pulp, especially if no AK-47's happened to be lying around. So once again...who wins?

Mr. Joshua in 41

As hard as this was, it really wasn't hard at all. The fight may have lasted a while and they may be cut from the same mold, but you have to have a winner and that winner is Mr. Joshua. Because Mr. Joshua has something Karl doesn't. Insanity. Come on, you can't tell me that the first time you heard "Mr. Joshua...your arm please." and Busey rolls up the sleeve and gets the age ole super flaming Bic to the arm to prove a point bidnez, you didn't think to yourself "That's one crazy muthafucka! And loyal..."? We all did. And when things are even, you look to the X factor, which in this case just so happens to be a whole lot of crazy. So, sorry Karl. You fought valiantly. But this time - I'm with Busey.

Kalee?

No Bay, Jose - An Editorial

2009-06-26T08:00:00.001-05:00

When I was invited by Mark and Phil to be a contributor for Lazlo's Closet, I agreed very strongly with their anti-Michael Bay stance. I might even despise him and everything he stands for more than they do. To use pro wrestling speak, this is a shoot!

Why should I waste my time writing about someone I don't care for? I can't say that I have a legitimate answer for that. However, I've made it my personal mission to keep at least five strangers from going to see the new Bay atrocity. I was mortified today at work while listening to a podcast. One of the members on the panel of this particular podcast said that the new Transformers movie is tracking better than The Dark Knight. This really makes me doubt the movie going public as a whole. If that offends you, then tough shit. I believe it.

So, the movie has come out and it set the new record for a Wednesday opening. I believe that it made a little more than 60 million dollars. After this weekend, the movie will be well over 100 million-dollar mark. This is to be expected. Hype and fans will push this. However, I’m willing to bet that this movie doesn’t make what the original made which was 319 million and some change. How is that possible? Bay has hyped this movie as bigger, louder, and better than the original. You left one thing out, Michael. Your movie sucks.

Per Rotten Tomatoes, Transformers – Revenge Of The Fallen is coming in at 22%. That means out of 167 reviews that are posted on the site for the movie only 37 reviews are moderate to favorable. As I looked through the reviews today, I see words and phrases like “noisy”, “beaten to submission”, “no plot”, “way too long”, “poorly acted”, “misogynistic”, “foul mouthed”, and “racist”. The biggest movie of the summer is “racist”. Well, there are two new Transformers named Skids and Mudflap. Both have bug eyes, can’t read, speak in “ghetto speak”, and one of them has a gold tooth. Michael, you should’ve just named them Amos and Andy. It is clear that the studio and the powers that be were stupid enough to let Bay have cart blanche with this movie. They didn’t give a shit because they were still counting their fucking money from the last movie. All of these points are consistent across the board. Read the reviews. This movie is Michael Bay unfiltered. There was no one to tell him “No”. So, he shoots his version of a wet dream: money shot after money shot, followed by explosions.

This man needs to be stopped. If he was trying to commit career suicide, he might have pulled it off with two bird fingers waving in the air. Am I taking all of this too seriously? I don’t think so. I go to movies to enjoy them and to be entertained. When I hear bad reviews that share a common point of view across the board, I listen and I don’t go. As far as the studio with their tracking, they should do a better job and focus their money in other places. The proof is all there. Their movie has a 22% approval rating. The Dark Knight had a 94% approval rating and went on to be the second highest grossing film of all time.

You’ve been warned people. Don’t subject yourself to the hype. Just say no! Mark coined the phrase “No Bay, Jose”. They are three words to live by. Our ban on all things Bay is eight years and counting. There are plenty of empty seats that need filling on our Bay-less bandwagon. Do the smart thing and climb aboard. I’ll be back next week with a Selenium Apocalypse review of the new Sam Mendes movie, Away We Go. It comes highly recommended. -Rick.

Yes!

Director Michael Bay Apologizes To Strippers For Transformers Sequel

2009-06-24T10:00:00.004-05:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - Apparently, it didn't take long for hot shot director Michael Bay to be noticed when he entered the Los Angeles strip club Spankey's. "I was on stage about to hit the 2nd verse of my favorite Whitesnake song when he walked in. He really just looked like your typical t-shirt and jeans early afternoon strip club douche bag," stated long time Spankey's employee Cinnamon, "It wasn't until the disco lights started reflecting off his black military cap with his name "Michael Bay" bedazzled across the front in cubic zirconia."

According to patrons, Bay (the director of such gems as Armageddon, Pearl Harbor & Transformers) made his way to the center stage and started pounding wine coolers. "It was Bartles & James raspberry delight," said "first time I've EVER been to a strip club ever" patron Jack, "I remember it well because I haven't seen anybody above the age of fifteen actually drink a fucking wine cooler. And I think his hat had fucking rubies or some shit on it. I don't know what that means, but it made me very uncomfortable." After a club record 15 wine coolers under his belt, Bay then hooked his ipod touch to 52in flatscreen and treated the entire club to an sneak peak at his new Transformers sequel. 47 year old unemployed truck driver Mervin was surprised. "Apparently he's some big ass movie director. I had no idea. I just thought he was one of those fuckballs, like RuPaul or Billy Zane. And that Zane dude really fucking sucks."

After the 2hr and 40 minute screening of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Bay kicked out the 4 other male patrons and turned the club into his own personal "Champagne Room" for a little Q&A. Part time dancer and shot girl Diamond said "Michael started asking all us girls what we thought about the movie and we all kinda looked at each other and pretended like it was good - just like when a guy whips out his weenie and it's the size of AAA battery. You know, like that." Nursing school student and mother of three Electra told us "Nobody wants to tell someone that their movie is a steaming pile of rhino shit, but this movie? Fuck me, man. I would've slit my throat if the movie wasn't so unbearably fucking loud that it was impossible for me to form any type of complex thought. And testicles on robots?! You heard me! Robotic scrotum, baby. The apocalypse must be fucking near with that shit. I mean, that would be like putting nipples on the Batsuit! It doesn't make sense!"

Apparently Peaches, a 19 year micro biology major, was the only dancer to be honest. "I told him the truth. That it was loud, confusing and near down right globally offensive. The action was so all over the place I couldn't tell what was going on, the lead chick - Megan Fox looked like she belonged up on stage here with me and the script was so insulting to anyone's intelligence that I would've walked out if the director wouldn't have been straddling my legs doing blow off my right ass cheek." All of the girls then agreed with Peaches, sending Bay into a drunken raspberry delight rage which lead to him passing out in his own vomit, awaking an hour later and apologizing to the entire staff of Spankey's. "He did apologize for that abortion of a movie he made us watch, which was nice," Peaches went on. "He stated he knew he took too many liberties and over estimated the movie going public. He broke down crying and dropped to his knees and begging me for forgiveness. He then swore that he would make it all right with the third Transformers movie."

Cinnamon leaned in onto Peaches, "He did. He said some shit like the third movie will make no attempt at a story at all. It'll be nothing but jiggling boobs in slow motion, low angle ass shots and plenty of shiny things exploding. He then said brilliant! My other movies have made stoooopid money with hardly any story at all. Just think if I make a movie completely devoid of any form of characterization or literary merit - we'll gross a fucking gazillion dollars! That's right, a gazillion bitches! Etch that in fucking stone! Then he left."

When asked if they would be looking forward to an even more brainless and intellectually retarded 2nd Transformers sequel, Electra stated, "I think I would rather be seen drinking wine coolers in public wearing nothing but a bedazzled cap with Michael Bay's name on it. Wait, I take that back. It's really a lose/lose situation either way. Maybe I'll just gouge out my eyes with a blunt bar utensil."

And with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen opening today, only time will tell how accurate any of this truly is.

Transformers: A Suckfest in Disguise

2009-06-22T08:00:00.005-05:00

Well, I have to be completely fucking honest with you people. We had these big plans for this week, being the opening week for the big, loud, noisy assfest known to the rest of the world as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - a Michael Bay film. We had all of this Bay bashing lined up, you know - the whole No Bay Jose! whatchamathinger. Us vs. him, Lazlo v. Bay in a grudge match. But you know, after reading the early reviews...I don't really think it effin' matters. Because this film will make most of its money in the first 2 weeks of release anyway (tell tale sign is when a movie opens mid week with no holiday weekend just days away) from the diehard T-Formers fanz, diehard fanz of Megan Fox's in the miracle of slow-motion or the sadly disallusioned fanz who would take a nut in the eye from Mr. Bay himself.

So as I ran through the reviews, one singular common thread ran throughn most all of the early reviews. That it sucks. (Honestly, the original idea was to write a real review of the film by someone who refuses to watch it.) So since we didn't get an advance invite to an early screening of the film (we couldn't have stomached going anyway), attached is a review that in my opinion comes as close to how I would've felt if I would have had my eyes pryed open by clamps, straightjacketed to a theater seat and had my ass Ludovico techniqued through this piece of shit. But since the reviews haven't been real good - why not lead off with a real one rather than a fake one (and I highlighted in red the good parts version).

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Review by Chris Tookey
The Daily Mail (UK)

The Decepticons are back, and they're looking to whup some Autobot ass! If the above sentence leaves you cold and uncomprehending, then congratulations - you are not the audience for this movie, which suggests that you have more discrimination than the submissive consumers who turned the first Transformers picture into a worldwide mega-hit, grossing more than $400million.

Sam (Shia LaBoeuf) is off to college, despite showing not the slightest evidence of cranial activity. His departure for Princeton saddens his proud parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White), who are so dim they don't mind much when their house is trashed by yet another extraterrestrial robot. I suppose it's something they got used to in the first movie.

Our hero is leaving behind his super-hot girlfriend (Megan Fox), who wears an awful lot of orange make-up and works as a mechanic for her ex-con father. This may or may not explain why she is reintroduced to us in a pair of very short shorts bending over a motorbike. Tragically, Sam's promising career as an astrophysicist is cut short by a blonde college girl on heat, who - like all Princeton undergraduettes in director Michael Bay's alternative universe - looks and behaves like a nymphomaniac lap-dancer. She French kisses him while secreting a nasty mechanical tail that comes twisting out of her bottom and reveals her to be - oh, no - a Decepticon!

You see, the Decepticons (evil robots from outer space) think that Sam has a shard of the Allspark that will get them something called the Matrix of Leadership, which their tyrannical dictator The Fallen needs to complete his victory over Optimus Prime, mighty leader of the Autobots - they're good robots from outer space.

Look, I don't make this stuff up. I merely report it. Despite the story being simple to the point of idiocy, it's impossible for any carbon-based lifeform to follow. That's because virtually all the dialogue is inaudible, drowned out by battles, explosions and gargantuan lumps of metal crashing into each other.

I noted down a few morsels: 'Punkass Decepticon, any last words?'; 'The boy will not escape - we have him in our sights!'; and 'There's another source of energon on this planet: the boy can lead us to it!' I have no idea why I wrote those lines down, still less what they mean. I was just grateful to be able to hear them.

Fans of the franchise will doubtless say I'm too ancient and poorly attuned to youth culture to enjoy it, though I was happy to appreciate other excursions into comic-strip kitsch, such as Men In Black, Spider-Man and the first three Terminator movies. Part of my dissatisfaction stems from the fact that it clocks in at an insanely overlong, boring, ear-splitting 149 minutes. But even if it were a more tolerable 90, it would still sum up everything that is most tedious, crass and despicable about modern Hollywood.

Like its predecessor, it is only comprehensible as a merchandising opportunity. As usual with Michael Bay movies, the action is designed for shock and awe, but it's edited with such a shocking lack of continuity and shot so awfully close-up that it's impossible to work out what's happening, why or to whom - or what. It's no fun, because none of it makes you feel anything. It's just a massive avalanche of effects-driven excess.

And don't get me started on the acting. No one in this is any good, but the most woefully inept actor is Megan Fox, who wears the same wet-lipped, open-mouthed, vacant expression whether she is in mortal danger, expressing undying love for our hero, or hot-wiring a car. Mr Bay is especially fond of frontal shots of her running away from enormous explosions in a tight halter-neck top, while her breasts wobble from side to side in very slow motion.

The film seems to be aimed at extremely small boys, yet there are explicit references to sex and drugs that are wildly inappropriate in a movie with a PG certificate. Sights I am trying hard to forget include John Turturro in a posing pouch, and a chihuahua humping a pug - a 'gag' considered so hilarious by Bay, and so well suited to viewing by children, that he includes it three times.

For further non-comic relief, he comes up with two quarrelling, jive-talking autobots who must be the most annoying sidekicks and insulting ethnic stereotypes to have infested our multiplexes since the heyday of Jar Jar Binks.

The film is geographically all over the place, and assumes its audience will neither know nor care that the Jordanian ruins of Petra are not within a stone's throw of the Egyptian pyramids.
Bay is at his most obnoxious when he shows gigantic machines casually destroying icons of Ancient Egyptian civilisation. Some may find this a depressingly accurate metaphor for what people like him are doing to our own culture.

Verdict: More big, noisy junk from Michael Bay
Rating: A turkey

There you have it, folks - and from another critic (that I gave complete credit to!). Michael Bay sums up everything that is most tedious, crass and despicable about modern Hollywood. It's true. It's all true! Just ask this girl!

More tomorrow!

The Most Interesting Compliment in the World

2009-06-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

"I don't read a lot of blogs. But when I do, I prefer Lazlo's Closet.

Keep reading, My friends."

Screen Cap Trivia 2.0

2009-06-12T08:00:00.001-05:00

Well peeps, it's back - like that thing you get that requires the medicated shampoo. It's Screen Cap Trivia 2.0. We made it bigger, stronger, faster...we made it - well, easier. You see, we here at Lazlo's Closet understand completely that we are not impervious to the occasional mistake. Take the last Screen Cap Trivia post we did, many a reader complained that the quiz was almost too hard. I didn't think it was hard, but I also saw all the films which makes it hard to be really objective. You know?

So I went out of my way this time to challenge and make it a tad bit easier. So, if you like the flicks, then you should get most of these. Answer away! Good luck and Godspeed.

#10

Lazlo Essentials: For The Casual Film Fanatic - Summer Edition

2009-06-09T20:52:00.028-05:00

Since we are deep in the Summer Silenium Apocalypse, I thought it would be prudent to mention three selections in the Lazlo Essentials list that are not necessarily summer movies but all have to do with our favorite season- Summer!

#110: Meatballs

The film that introduced the world to Bill Murray is a feel good summer comedy that still holds up in the laughs department. Directed by Ivan Reitman, Meatballs is chock full of C.I.T. antics and a good amount of 70's style hot chicks...erm with the exception of Murray's love interest Roxanne (Kate Lynch) I'm still trying to wrap my head around that casting choice... There is an unnecessary re-boot in the works for 2010 so get ready for another "Road Trip / American Pie / Sex Drive" formula film to attempt to replace a classic. Favorite Line - "She WANTS It Spaz!"

#250: Summer Rental

Summer rental is one of those movies that always seems to be on some channel somewhere at any given hour of the day. I love this film mostly for John Candy of course who plays Jack Chester an overworked air-traffic controller who just wants to take his family on a summer holiday and relax. Things get bad for the chester's as soon as they arrive and after pissing of local rich guy and Yachtsman (Richard Crenna) Jack has to beat him in a boat race to win back his pride and bring his family closer together. Favorite Character - Rip Torn as Capt. Scully that dude was born to play a pirate, even if this one runs a fish restaurant.

# 95: Summer Of Sam

A complete 180 from the last two pics by way of "mood" but Summer Of Sam I believe stands as one of Spike Lee's best films to date. The story about New York residents during the summer of 1977 and the time of the Son of Sam murders, Spike really brings back the decade in every way possible as a filmmaker, though his property master and wardrobe people should have been sacked. there were a few items in there that were way off the mark. Tongue piercings didn't really happen until the 80's in the punk scene, Army jackets from the wrong decade and a few other things but this is nit-picking really. what I loved most about S.O.S. was that I could feel the heat in some of those scenes it truly felt like he was filming during a heatwave. Favorite scene - Adrian Brody's dance of self destruction to the Who's Baba O'Rielly

Special Lazlo Essentials consideration for: Race For Your Life Charlie Brown

Rick's Picks: The Hangover (Selenium Apocalypse)

2009-06-08T12:04:00.010-05:00

The Hangover
Starring Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zack Galifianakis, Justin Bartha
& Michael Tyson
Directed by Todd Phillips

I think I broke a rib. Seriously folks, it still hurts. It has been a long time since I laughed so hard that I could still feel it the next day. People, The Hangover physically hurt me last night, but in a good way. I can handle the soreness. It was worth it. This is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long, long time. Sure, I’ve seen those that make me laugh and smile, but this thing was relentless. I’m talking start to finish. Believe me, the finish is possibly the best laugh in the whole film.

The Hangover was directed by Todd Phillips (Road Trip, Old School). I have laughed very hard at parts of his past two hits in the past. However, he’s finally put together the perfect formula that makes the laughs non-stop. He might give you a minute to catch your breath, but they are few and far between. Phillips just lets it rip in the movie. I’m talking no holds barred. It is crude, rude, brutal, and completely random. The characters go through so much shit in this movie in such a short amount of time, you can just imagine how bad they all smell when it’s all said and done.

The premise is very simple. The character of Doug (Justin Bartha) is getting married in two days and his best friends and future brother-in-law decide to take him on a hit and run trip to Las Vegas for his bachelor party. Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms play the best friends. They play Phil and Stu, respectively. Phil is a schoolteacher and family man. When he gets around his friends, he really lets his inner-scumbag rear its ugly head. Stu is a mild mannered dentist who is caught up in a bad relationship and really needs to blow off some steam. Rounding out the cast is Zach Galifianakis who plays Alan, Doug’s future brother-in-law. Alan is quite the simpleton and he lacks the social graces that the other ones possess in spades.

The plot is quite simple after this. The men go to the rooftop of Caesar’s Palace to start the night off with a toast. Alan, with best intentions at heart, buys a bottle of Jaegermeister for the toast. We later find out that he thought that he dosed the bottle of Jaeger with Ecstasy, but it was actually Rohipinol. We catch up with the group the morning after. Their suite is trashed and Doug is nowhere to be found. However, they have inherited a Bengal Tiger and a baby. The rest of the movie consists of the three friends trying to figure out what happened to themselves and to the groom-to-be. To sweeten the pot, there are glorified cameos by Mike Tyson, Heather Graham, and Ken Jeong. Jeong really chews up the scenery with the few minutes he gets of screen time.

This movie delivered on all levels and it comes highly recommended. In fact, I think it could only improve with multiple viewings due to the amount of in your face comedy and the subtle things that occur in the background. As I mentioned earlier, the best laugh of the entire movie might be during the end credits so stay in your seat when the credits start. See this film!!!

P.S. – On a total Geek level, Bradley Cooper is heavily rumored to be the frontrunner for the part of Hal Jordan/GREEN LANTERN. After seeing his performance in this movie, I think he definitely has the chops to wear the emerald tights.

A Letter to the Academy

2009-06-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

June 5, 2009

Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
8949 Wilshire Blvd
Beverly Hills, Ca. 90211

Dear Academy,

Sorry, I'm a little nervous. I've never really talked to you before. Anyway, I wanted to drop you a quick line and let you know that I saw your Best Picture winner Slumdog Millionaire. And I just wanted to go on the record with you and say that...well, um - (nervous laughter) - I don't know how to say this...but I didn't get it. I mean I got it, but I didn't get it. The film was a good one, well acted with fast hard to read colorful subtitles and directed with indie flare by Danny Boyle, but if I'm going to be completely honest - it sure as shit wasn't the best picture of the year. Oh, sorry about the cursing Academy. I'll be more careful. And it sure as heckola wasn't better than fellow nominee The Curious Case of Benjamin Button or even The Dark Knight.

So what happened? You used to love the long, epic films about love and loss and growth. I lost valuable childhood months while HBO showed A Passage to India over and over and over again because of you. So why not now? Is it because you don't like you some David Fincher or some Brad Pitt or afraid to recognize a comic book movie as a film? Or maybe it had nothing to do with any of that. Was it that Danny Boyle was an indie darling with Shallow Grave and Trainspotting then was a Hollywood failure with Life Less Ordinary and The Beach then went back to his indie roots? Was it because he shot an indie film in India or an Indian film as an indie film as an American film in India by an Englishman? I'm at a loss.

But Academy, I just want you to know I always had the utmost respect for you. I used to listen to you, respect your decisions and see the films you rewarded with your prize. But now - I just don't get it. I had always heard the "urban legend" that the hype machine always played a part in your decisions from time to time, but I knew this could not be true. Now I know that this crazed conspiracy theory is no longer a theory. It is a sad reality. You didn't make your decision based on merit. You made it based on fabricated studio hype :( That makes me sad, Academy. That makes me sad.

Now don't get me wrong. I love me a good slums to riches story as much as the next guy and I truly liked Slumdog Millionaire as well. It was well directed, well photographed, nicely acted and a very cool cinematic story that unfolds beautifully. But come on, level with me. Just between us - do you guys really think Rocky is better than Network, All the President's Men or Taxi Driver? As much as I love Rocky, it was not the best overall film released that year. Best feel good? Yes. Best film? No. And the same, in my humble opinion, applies to Slumdog. And while I think it is noble for you to recognize the issue of poverty in India, slapping it with your Best Picture statue doesn't help that issue nor should it make a film any better. It may make it politically correct, but it doesn't change it's cinematic value. Just like in the office Oscar pool - if there's a documentary involving genocide, pick it to win. Doesn't mean it's the best, it just means your chances are better at stealing that category.

So to sum up - Slumdog Millionaire - well, it affected me but didn't linger. I remember it, but it wasn't memorable. It was really good, but it wasn't the best. But hey - what's done is done, Academy. No real hard feelings because there's always next show, right? And that's a show I look forward to seeing. Why? It's the same reason I watch every year. I think maybe, just maybe - that this year you'll get it right. Here's to hoping.

Warmest regards,

Lazlo's Closet

p.s. - Shakespeare in Love? Reeeeeally?

Rick's Picks: Land of the Lost (A Selenium Apocalypse Early Review)

2009-06-03T22:36:00.010-05:00

Land of the Lost (June 5, 2009)

Starring Will Ferrell, Anna Friel, Danny McBride, Jorma Taccone

Directed by Brad Silberling

This past Memorial Day, I lost some serious brain cells. I’m positive I’m not the only one. This was not because I smoked a bunch of pot or drank too much. The culprit for this loss of brain cells was watching hours of Land Of The Lost marathon that was running all day on the Sci Fi Network. When I was a kid, this show was the coolest thing next to Batman for me. It had Sleestaks, dinosaurs, and other creatures. For back then, the special effects were cutting edge. As I laid in my bed trying to rekindle memories from childhood, I was left with laughter at how absurd this show was. The acting was beyond awful, the special effects were on an Ed Wood level, and the story line of each episode was which kid was going to get themselves in trouble. I knew it was bad, but I was compelled to watch hours of this. I guess all I took away from it was a little nostalgia. I asked myself how any of this would really translate to the big screen in today’s day and age.

The answer was simple. Will Ferrell.

Last night, I attended the sneak preview of Land Of The Lost at the Alamo Drafthouse (the greatest Movie theatre in the USA). This was set up and sponsored by Ain’t It Cool News and Universal Pictures. In attendance was Land Of The Lost creator Marty Krofft, director Brad Silberling, and composer Michael Giacchino. Attendees were told to arrive by 5:30 for all the pre-show activities. You could have your picture taken and have it superimposed on the movie poster for the film. This made for incredible people watching. All attendees were given some very bizarre gifts from the Universal reps. Everyone got a nice Land Of the Lost baseball cap and a Chaka backpack. Very creepy! Once in the theatre, our next surprise was a free appetizer platter of goodies that the Alamo chefs whipped up for this special night. Harry Knowles of Ain’t It Cool did a Q & A with Marty Krofft, Brad Silberling, and Michael Giacchino. As the theatre lights dimmed, we were all treated to a video introduction by stars Will Ferrell and Danny McBride. After that, it was show time folks!

Land Of The Lost is based on the original show, but not by much. Make no mistake, this is a Will Ferrell comedy through and through. If you like Anchorman, Semi-Pro, Blades Of Glory, and Talladega Nights, you will love this movie. If you hated these movies, I forgive you if you stopped reading. Also, this is not one to bring the kids to. This movie really pushes the PG-13 rating. I just don’t think I would want to explain to my children what “Tap that ass” means. You’ve been warned.

Farrell plays Dr. Rick Marshall. Marshall believes that he has found the secret to finding parallel universes through time warp technology. Marshall is considered a nut case and is reduced to doing science lectures for children on field trips. His fate changes when Holly Cantrell (Anna Friel) comes to meet him. Holly is a true believer in Marshall’s theories. She convinces him to go on an expedition with her.

They end up at this cheap haunted cave tourist trap that is run by Will Stanton (Danny McBride). As Marshall, Will, and Holly enter the cave, Marshall’s tachyon amplifier freaks out and the three are rushed through a portal to a weird sideways universe where strange prehistoric creatures can attack and eat an ice cream truck (including its driver). Once there, they befriend a monkey boy named Chaka (Jorma Taccone). Chaka, after much humping of legs and grabbing of breasts, becomes the group’s guide through this land.

Marshall’s first nemesis he encounters is Grumpy, the T-Rex. Many scenes in the movie are of Marshall being chased by Grumpy. What make these scenes funny is that Marshall is either screaming or spouting out an external monologue the entire time he’s being chased. These were some of my favorite scenes in the film. The other nemeses that the group encounters are the evil lizard people, the Sleestaks. I loved them on the old show and I love them today and they still move as slow as molasses. When escaping the Sleestaks, they happen upon a talking Sleestak named Enik (John Boylan). Enick convinces the group that they must find their tachyon amplifier and use it to stop the evil Zarn (voiced by Leonard Nimoy!!!!!).

That’s the first half of the movie. You’re going to have to pay to see how it all ends up. Ferrel and McBride just feed off of each other in this film. I’m sure that a great majority of their lines were ad-libbed. You don’t write lines like “Captain Kirk’s nipples!” when discovering something. What’s so great about the Holly character is that she’s the smartest person in the group throughout. She’s also not afraid to take on an army of Sleestaks by herself. Anna Friel kicks some serious ass people! Friel and McBride are really going to take off in their respective careers after this movie.

There are jerk-off jokes, drug use, and gay jokes galore in this film. Even something that I never considered, bathroom humor with dinosaurs. This is mindless humor, people, that you either giggle at or you don’t. The special effects are really well done. There are so many creatures in this movie and they look as good as if they strolled in from Jurassic Park. The sets design kept the ambiance of the old show, which I appreciated. As different as it was from the old show, I was able to grab little bits of nostalgia - especially from the Sleestaks.

Overall, I enjoyed the movie and the whole experience. I’ve done these things before, but never on this scale. The Universal reps really out did themselves. They were very hospitable and made sure that we enjoyed the experience to the fullest. Also, thanks go out to Ain’t It Cool News and Harry Knowles for booking these amazing events. I wonder what premiere is heading this way next. Stay tuned!

Drag Me To Hell (Selenium Apocalypse)

2009-06-01T04:40:00.041-05:00

Drag Me To Hell
Starring Alison Lohman, Justin Long, Lorna Raver, David Paymer
Directed By Sam Raimi
Review By Phil

Alright I just want to get this out right off the bat. I am a very big Sam Raimi fan, I have been for quite a long time, I own CRIMEWAVE on Beta for crying out loud! That being said, I don't want those who know me or those who have just read the little fun fact about my fandom above to think that I will be playing favorites here. I don't want Lazlo's Closet readers to think that just because I would buy EVIL DEAD toothpaste and bed linens (should they ever become available on the market) that I would be swayed into going all soft and write anything but the hard truth about Mr. Raimi's long awaited return to the genre that made him a legend. I will be a stickler for detail and...Aww Hell it was AWESOME!

Drag Me To Hell is the story of Christine (Alison Lohman) a nice girl in a job where nice just doesn't cut it, a bank loan office. Her boss Mr. Jacks (David Paymer) is deciding between sweet Christine and suck-ass, kiss up Stu (Reggie Lee) for a promotion to assistant VP, but to really pull out in front Christine needs to show Mr. Jacks that she can make some hard decisions and toughen up a bit. Christine decides to flex her administrative muscles on the wrong person however as elderly Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver) is turned away and shamed by Christine's uncompassionate response to her pleas for help fearing forclosure on her home. The old crone is escorted from the building and Christine is praised for the way she handled the situation by her boss, but later that evening waiting in the underground garage is the Raimi fans favorite reoccurring extra, Sam's very own 1973 Oldsmobile idling in the dark. Christine recognizes it as the old woman's car and quickly gets into her own carand that my friends is when THE SHIT GETS REAL Y'ALL! Or at least thats what all the people behind me in the theater started screaming into thier un-silenced cell phones to whoever couldn't come out to the movie with them!

Side note - I can't wait for Lazlo's Closet to be truly acknowledged as an entertainment blog of merit for the critiquing and creating of "buzzworthyness" for movies resulting in perhaps more advance screening passes for upcoming films by the studios so we can attend screenings where people actually go to the movies to SEE and HEAR the film... God I hate my local theater, or maybe it's just the locals...moving on.

Mrs. Ganush says, "Turn off your cell phones and shut the fuck up!"

After a knock down drag out between Christine and Mrs. Ganush involving one of the most creative use of office supplies ever depicted on film, the Gypsy curse is on and Christine with the help of a fortune teller (Dileep Rao) discovers she has only three days before a Demonic creature will come to claim her body and soul literally dragging her straight to Hell. Also along for the ride is Christine's boyfriend Clay ( Justin Long) who is the films non-believer who really doesn't add much to the mix but served his purpose supporting his woman through her supernatural ordeal.

There is a great deal of "Fun House" type scares in the film where a quick extreeme close-up of anything and a blast of sound so loud you can't help but jump in your seat, but there are also a lot of genuine tension building scares as well. the shadows creeping around the house stalking Christine are so great and the impending beat down that we know is coming by the supernatural force as she closes herself in her room feels kin to being a kid and waiting for the doctor to come into the room with a big ass needle! (you know something is coming for you and it's going to hurt and theres nothing you can do about it) By far the scene that shows us Raimi at the top of his game is the seance scene complete with a sacraficial goat that gets real evil that brought me back to the days where horror films -
1. Were not a remake of some Japanese film
2. Didn't need nudity or sex scenes to keep the audience's attention
3. Had an actual STORY not just multiple scenes of tourture
4. Had no eyeballs being forceably injested by the main charac...oh wait scratch that.

Drag Me To Hell is not a perfect film, and with a PG-13 rating it is not exactly a return to the days of EVIL DEAD but it doesn't need to be (My plea to the many un-happy fan boys out there) Sam does scary/funny in his sleep. The slapstick gore may be watered down a touch but the heart is still there. I for one am very glad to see him getting back to his roots, and only hope for more. I only wish the rest of Ghost House Pictures stable of films was as enjoyable. The point? I had a fun time seeing this flick, and it was a good feeling.

Rick's Picks: X-Men Origins: Wolverine & Terminator Salvation (Selenium Apocalypse)

2009-05-29T00:01:00.005-05:00

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Starring Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston & Ryan Reynolds
Directed by Gavid Hood

Reviewed by Rick

got plot?

I have witnessed the badness that is X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Tom Rothman and the assholes that run 20th Century Fox have struck again. The only difference this time is that they had help from the star of the film, Hugh Jackman. This studio has destroyed four potential Marvel franchises now. For those of you who aren’t keeping score, they are Daredevil, Fantastic Four, X-Men, and Wolverine. I’m sure there is plenty of blame to go around, but the writing on the wall is obvious. Marvel needs to somehow get these properties away from Fox, and get them back under the wings of Marvel Studios. Let me get down off of the soapbox and give you what you really want.

This is the part of the review where I had 3 paragraphs giving you a detailed breakdown of the film. But I deleted them all because this piece of shit doesn't deserve the additional space on this blog. There is simply no excuse for this movie to be as bad as it was. There were no budget constraints. The movie had $140 million dollars to play with. The result is a movie that looked like they spent $60 million. All of the CGI stuff was all over the place. When you’d see something cool , it would be followed by three effects that looked shitty.

Writers David Benioff and Skip Woods should give their paychecks back for doing such a poor job with the script. I can see it in action lines:

LOGAN looks toward the sky and screams with berserker rage.

(Yes, this happens at least four times during this film. But don't just take my word for it, you be the judge...)

LOGAN holds KAYLA in his arms. She is dying and LOGAN knows it.

KAYLA
I’m so cold.

LOGAN looks toward the sky and screams with berserker rage.

I started cracking up laughing when I heard that. Do you see what I’m saying? How cliché can you get? This was so awful. A character like Wolverine has decades of source material to work with, and they write crap like this. There is absolutely no character development at all. Logan just drifts from bad situation to worse situation with no explanation.

The performances were more miss than hit. Hugh Jackman has been a great as Wolverine in the X-Men movies. He runs or walks around this movie saying bad one-liners, corny dialogue, and yelling at the sky. Can he kick ass? He does a few times. THIS IS FUCKING WOLVERINE! I want berserker rage off the charts and Logan slaughtering goons in fake military gear. You know what I’m talking about. Liev Schreiber does his best psychopath impression as Victor Creed. Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson aka Deadpool kicks some ass for the ten minutes of screen time that he has. I wonder if Executive Producer, Hugh Jackman, told the writers to only give Reynolds a little bit of kick ass. Feeling the heat Hugh? The ladies like them some Ryan Reynolds. Danny Huston sleepwalks through the role of William Stryker. I say they should’ve used some of that Benjamin Button CGI and de-age Bryan Cox. It’s not like they didn’t have the money for it. I have to say one performance was not that bad. Taylor Kitsch as Gambit gets a golf clap. He did an admirable job with not much to work with.

I had read to stay through the credits for a little bonus scene. I got up and walked out. I didn’t care. The collective “they” ruined that movie. I was pissed off. So, the other day I looked up what the secret scene was. It’s Logan in a bar in Japan slamming Whiskey. The bartender asks him if he’s drinking so much to forget something. Logan responds that he’s drinking so much to try to remember. Wrong answer, Wolvie! I would drink to forget that this movie ever happened. Don’t see this movie! The Selenium Apocalypse banishes this film to the barren wasteland where it belongs.

And now for something completely different...

Terminator Salvation
Starring Christian Bale, Sam Worthington
Directed by McG
Reviewed by Rick

I remember watching The Terminator at my friend’s house in 1985. Arnold Schwarzenegger became “THE MAN” in this film. He would continue to ride his wave of success throughout the rest of the eighties and into the nineties. He was perfect in this role as the cold-blooded killing machine. The Terminator’s target was to kill Sara Connor played by Linda Hamilton. The reason that Sara had to be killed is that her unborn son, John Connor, will one day rise up and lead the resistance movement against the machines in the future. Michael Bien played Kyle Reese. He was the soldier from the future that was sent back in time to protect Sara Connor from the Terminator. He also is John Connor’s father. I know you start playing with these time lines and everything gets a little fuzzy. However, I remember after watching the film and how fired up I was. Sure, we’d just watched a pedal to the metal, all out action, sci fi classic. I told my friend that the movie was cool, but I want to see the future war. During the film, there were many flash-forwards to what the future war looked like. Metal Terminators firing lasers at the resistance fighters, flying ships that were attacking, and a fighting field that was littered with the skulls and bones of the humans that perished on Judgment Day.

That was 24 years ago. I really thought that my wish was going to come through last Friday. I was going to see Terminator Salvation. I was finally going to see the future war. Was it worth the wait? I would have to answer yes, but with some reservations. Mark and I saw the movie together while I was visiting New Orleans last weekend. If you’ve read his review, he pretty much hit on all of the big plot points, so I won’t bore you with a rehash. However, we saw the same film and had very different reactions to it. He was on the fence, but leaning toward not liking it. I had enjoyed the film, and saw much hope for the future of the franchise.

Let me first get my gripes out of the way. This film takes place in 2018, and John Connor is not the resistance leader yet. He’s like the 6th man down the chain of command. I think that this was a tactical error by McG and the writers. We had just watched the character of John Connor grow up in the previous two movies. It was his time to shine. Instead, this film makes Connor a secondary character and shows his rise to the leader we want to see. I agree with Mark on the “Scooby Doo/bad guy long explanation of the secret plan at the end so the audience won't be in the dark at all ending”. Don’t spoon feed your audience. We also agree that the napalming of your secret base was not very clever considering your trying to kill one person/cyborg. I wasn’t crazy about the lame score that Danny Elfman wrote. A rule should be in effect that if you make a Terminator film, you must hire Brad Fiedel. He scored the first two films and his music added so much to those films.

I enjoyed the performances of all of the lead actors. I think that Christian Bale was very good as Connor. He played Connor very intense, and nobody does intense better than Bale these days. But in the quiet moments, he shows what a burden it is to be this prophesied leader of the human race. He plays Connor like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he actually does. Sam Worthington plays Marcus Wright with just enough bravado without overdoing it. He’s the anti-hero of the film. He needs to watch that Aussie accent coming out in some scenes. Anton Yelchin gives the best performance of the film. He absolutely nails the young Kyle Reese. He has the same tone, voice, and look as Michael Bien.

This film is a war movie and I thought that it did its job in accomplishing that. The action and special effects are top notch. You can tell that this movie had a serious budget and it looked every bit of it. I liked the movie, but I wanted to love it. It’s far from perfect, but I like the direction that they’re taking it. I just wish that the future movie was this movie. There we go with those crazy time lines again. FUZZY!

I wanted to apologize for not having a Drag Me To Hell review. I was supposed to go to an advance screening on Tuesday night, but it didn’t work out logistically. I plan on coming through with an advance review of Land Of The Lost. I look forward to the return of Phil. In all seriousness, he should be the one to do the Drag Me To Hell review. Phil likes him some good scary Raimi. Make it so, Number One!

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (Selenium Apocalypse)

2009-05-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (May 22, 2009)

Starring Ben Stiller, Amy Adams, Hank Azaria, Owen Wilson, Ricky Gervais and Robin Williams

Directed by Shawn Levy

In Hollywood, when a movie cashes in at the box office, you can bet the family farm that a sequel could be soon to follow. When a family/kids movie cashes in, not only can you bet the family farm but, you can also mow down your most profitable crops and build a baseball diamond if you think a sequel wasn't being fast tracked even before the first weekends box office was tallied. And if you thought Night at the Museum was any different, you're probably playing catch with Ray Liotta right about now.

For those who may have just slipped out of a coma, the first Night at the Museum starred Ben Stiller as Larry Daley, an unemployed down on his luck dad who takes a job as a night security guard at the Museum of Natural History. Then, unannounced to anyone including Larry, once the doors are locked everything in the museum comes springing to life thanks to a magical Egyptian tablet. From Teddy Roosevelt to Sacajawea, from Stonehenge to the skeletal remains of a T-Rex. And wackiness and tension and adventure and laughs, of course, ensue. In the sequel Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Stiller once again plays Larry Daley - now a hugely successful Billy Mays/inventor type who is long past his security guard days, but still misses his friends at the museum and visits from time to time.

The film starts with Larry visiting the Museum only to find out that everything is going computerized and all of his friends are being packed away for storage in (you guessed it) the Smithsonian. Only Roosevelt (Robin Williams) and T-Rex are to stay behind as well as the Egyptian tablet, which means that the party is officially over the rest of the gang including Owen Wilson's minature cowboy Jebediah Smith, who respectfully still refers to Larry as Gigantor. But when a slap-happy monkey steals the Egyptian tablet from the museum the night they are shipped out, Stiller gets a cryptic, frightened call from Jeb. And that call comes from the bowels of the Smithsonian, tipping us all wise to the madcap mayhem that will soon be forthcoming.

And from this point on, this sequel goes completely ape shit. Larry breaks into the lower storage levels of the Smithsonian to help his friends only to meet Kahmunrah (Hank Azaria), Egyptian brother of the God that started all this mess in the first film. Kahmunrah steals the tablet and enlists the efforts of such notorious historical baddies as Napoleon, Al Capone and Ivan the Terrible (Christopher Guest) to help him rise his Egyptian army from the dead. And of course it's up to Larry, Amelia Earhart (Amy Adams) and the rest of the gang to stop him. Sprinkle in a little General Custer (Bill Hader) and folks, you've got yourself a summer movie.

First and foremost, let me say this. I really enjoyed the first film. I thought it had the right mix of funny and tender and action and funny. I thought that the use of history and all of its personel was really well done and there was enough of a story where it wasn't just "Look at all this crazy shit that just came to life!". In my opinion, Night at the Museum was a well tailored family film that could literally, hold the attention of all ages. Night at the Museum 2, while having its cinematic heart in the right place, is missing everything that made the first film a success.

Too much action, not enough of really anything else. Way too many jokes fell completely flat and way too much was going on - way too much. And to me with the story spred across all of the Smithsonian, I had mucho trouble suspending complete disbelief for this film. Maybe because it involved breaking into a highly secure museum like the Smithsonian? Moving on.

And most of the actors were simply wasted, like Robin Williams, Ricky Gervais and Christopher Guest. I mean, you have fucking Christopher Guest as Ivan the Terrible and you can't even give him one joke? Really? Seriously? And Ricky Gervais and Robin Williams really just show up to keep the ole' cast together and have very little screen time. And Ben Stiller really kinda dialed in this performance and then direct deposited it right into his checking account and Hank Azaria tries his damnest to make Kahmunrah funny, but is not given enough to work with and he falls flat most of the time as well.

The cameos are great and funny by Jonah Hill, George Forman, Darth Vader and Oscar the Grouch, even though seeing Jonah Hill in a kids movie just seemed very wrong - he was still good. But the real big bright shining star of the film is Amy Adams. She's friggin' awesome as Amelia Earhart and plays her as a mix of His Girl Friday and, well ironically Amelia Earhart. Whenever her presence is on the screen, she lights it up. She really owned this role AND I had no idea she could fill out a pair of aviator pants oh so fucking nicely. And another surprise was Bill Hader as Custer, who must have improved a lot of his lines because he actually made me laugh out loud several times and usually stole what scene he was in.

So after all is said and done - what do we have? Wasted actors, suspension of disbelief a little too much, too much going on, too little story and not enough funny? That's about it. Overall, Night at the Museum 2 was not awful, but being how good the first film was, it was a disappointment. But luckily, guess what? It's a kids movie. And the kids will still love it.

The Summer Selenium Apocalypse: Terminator Salvation

2009-05-27T00:01:00.007-05:00

With Memorial Day now squarely behind us, the summer movie season has officially begun. Even though we have had several major releases before the official kickoff, we should just chalk all those up to a decent preseason. Some very nice (Star Trek), some the very opposite of nice (maybe a Marvel comic character?) and some that I really just don't give two fucks about (Angels & Demons). So as Lazlo tagged our bud Rick to handle most of the summer reviewing duties, I had a chance this weekend to catch a couple of flicks and wanted to drop in my two cents and join the party. And I couldn't let Rick have all the fun anyway...

Terminator Salvation (May 21, 2009)
Starring Christian Bale, Sam Worthington
Directed by McG

I can't say that I'm what you would call a rabib Terminator fan, but I would say that I probably teeter on the edge of big Terminator fan. I loved the first two films, thought the 3rd was a bit suckish and I really enjoyed the 1st season of The Sarah Connor Chronicles until I got behind on the 2nd season and planned on catching up until my DVR started deleting episodes...I have to say I was genuinely looking forward to seeing how it all started - or ended - wait started - whatever - in Terminator Salvation. Then I discovered that it was being helmed by Charlie's Angels uberdirector McG and I was no longer genuinely anything about the new film (yes, the term uberdirector was used with a strong helping of sarcasim). So I went into this film now with zero expectations because of a director that I don't like and all of the now infamous on set troubles. But after seeing Terminator Salvation, I have to say - it didn't McSuck. But it wasn't really McGood either.

Terminator Salvation starts in the past where we meet Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) - a killer about to meet his maker by way of lethal injection. He also signs away the rights to his body before his death (remember that) and away we go. We're then dropped smack dab in the middle of what we've all been waiting for - the war against the machines. It's 2018 and we meet John Connor (Christian Bale), a strong cog in the resistance wheel. After almost total annihilation, Connor survives a massive Terminator attack and learns of a top secret weapon that could possibly destroy Skynet and it's mechanical minions once and for all. Connor signs on to test and put together a team to use this weapon and end the war.

We also meet (once again) Marcus Wright, who turns up as the man whom the rest of the story truly revolves around. Yes he was executed many a moon ago, but here he is in 2018 where he crawls himself out of a kinda Terminator prison camp looking just the way he did before he was executed. His story is of his journey of self discovery and of much needed answers. And on this journey, his allegiance is tested many times and along the way, a teenage Kyle Reese (Anton Yelchin) and a fighter pilot (Moon Bloodgood) show up to help this tormented soul along and almost steal the show in the process.

Terminator Salvation, at its heart, is nothing more than a big, loud summer movie. The kind where you're not supposed to ask questions. Just unplug and enjoy. And that's fine and all, but to me, that's not what the Terminator films are supposed to be. They're summer fun and summer pulp, but they're also more than that. They're smart and deep and alive. All things that this film isn't. I honestly felt that the only reason things were happening was to get to the next thing to happen, rather than getting lost in the action and the story and wrapped up in these characters. I also don't think it was ever intended to be just a summer movie, I think it just kinda happened. And under better direction, this may not have happened.

But that was my biggest problem with the film: I just didn't care. I mean, McG makes everyone look appropriately "post-apocalyptic-ly" dirty and stages all of these huge action set pieces, but that all adds up to a whole lotta fucking nothing if you don't care about the appropriately dirty people IN the huge action set pieces (see all Michael Bay films for examples). And we have fine actors in this film and I really haven't decided if it was average direction or just average writing. It's probably both. Bale plays Connor completely flat, a one note performance where he uses his Batman yelling voice the entire time. Worthington is good, not great, but he knows his role and does what he needs to do and Anton Yelchin is great as Kyle Reese and even sounds like a young Michael Bien. The rest of the cast are either too over the top (Michael Ironside) or completely wasted (Bryce Dallas Howard). And understand, I'm not saying that the acting was bad - it just wasn't good. It wasn't what it could've been. Or should've been.

And finally, I just found a lot of this film either cliche' or silly. Like a mammoth Terminator/Transformer hybrid with robot motorcycles that shoot from his feet to napalming all around your hidden base trying to kill one person with no regard to completely giving up the secret location of said hidden base to the fighter pilot who's a guy until he takes off his helmet and shakes his long flowing locks revealing that "What? That's a girl!" to the Scooby Doo/bad guy long explanation of the secret plan at the end so the audience won't be in the dark at all ending. Whew! I don't know - maybe I'm being too harsh because there are still worse ways to spend 2 hours and $9.50. Because Terminator Salvation is a big, action packed summer movie and if that's what you're looking for, then look no further. Me? I think I just expected more - and that's the problem. Because I went in not expecting anything.

What's upcoming? Huh, funny you should ask.

Tomorrow: I spend a second Night at the Museum.

Friday: Rick takes on a better late than never Wolverine, his take on Terminator Salvation and as I said before - possibly, possibly if everyone behaves - Raimi's Drag Me to Hell.

Monday: We make Phil do something.

To Whom It May Concern

2009-05-26T08:00:00.008-05:00

Not unlike a Riggs & Murtaugh*, Lazlo's Closet would like to say, "We're back!". After a long and wet Memorial Day weekend with no laptop signal, a short but necessary hiatus from Phil and a painful, yet brief alien abduction - well, I'll say it effin' again, "we're back!". Because coming tomorrow, the Selenium Apocalypse is on - on like my old ColecoVision home version of Donkey Kong. We hit reviews of Terminator Salvation, Night at the Museum and possibly (if all of you are good), an early review of Sam Raimi's Drag Me to Hell.

Just wanted to let all of you know we are alive and look to be back on track. Thanks, as always, for checking back.

*We may also be bad, but just for the record we're not black or mad. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Summer Apocalypse, Ya'll!

2009-05-20T00:05:00.001-05:00

The summer apocalypse is upon us once again and being that this is a movie blog, if you want to maintain any semblance of street cred with da kids - you kinda need to have summer movie reviews. And after a few moments of contemplative thought, we decided to ask Rick, a 3 time guest-poster and great friend of Lazlo's Closet, to...well, I'll just shut the yap and let the son of a bitch tell you himself.

What’s up loyal readers? Mark and Phil have tapped me to become their summer movie reviewer. I wish I could say that it’s because of my witty reviewing skills that I have displayed on this site, but that’s not really it. The real reason is because I don’t have children and I have a lot more spare time on my hands. Of course, it also helps that I go see a lot more movies (in the theater) than they do. So, I humbly accept this great honor. For the next several months, I will share with you my experiences as I take on the “SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER”!

I am going tonight to see X-Men Origins: Wolverine. So, it will begin this evening. My friends, I have to say that we might be in for a long summer. The horizon does not look so bright. There is no The Dark Knight or Iron Man to set it apart. Instead, we have Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen! If you interested in getting a review of the “Bay Extravaganza”, you’re reading the wrong blog. I firmly stand by this site’s mantra of “NO BAY, JOSE”.

However, Terminator Salvation (this is my Transformers of the summer), Drag Me To Hell, Harry Potter And The Half-BloodPrince, Land Of The Lost, and G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra are all fair game. All films will be viewed at the greatest movie theatre on planet Earth, The Alamo Drafthouse.

So, my friends that hang out in Lazlo’s Closet, follow me as I wade my way through this summer’s cinema wasteland. This is the dawning of Rick’s Picks: Selenium Apocalypse!!!

Short, sweet and about 30,000 words less than his BNAT review. Anyway, we're really glad to have you on and quite honestly, about as excited as the lead actor in a Shannon Whirrey film. And just a side note, we asked Rick to come up with a little funny, wit laden title for his summer reviews (i.e. Rickapalooza or Flickapalooza or even Rickaflickapalooza). So what does he come back with? Selenium Apocalypse. Nice! And not to insult anyone's intelligence, but if you were wondering...

Selenium Se*le"ni*um\, n. (Chem.) A nonmetallic element of the sulphur group, and analogous to sulphur in its compounds. It is found in small quantities with sulphur and some sulphur ores, and obtained in the free state as a dark reddish powder or crystalline mass, or as a dark metallic-looking substance. It exhibits under the action of light a remarkable variation in electric conductivity, and is used in certain electric apparatus. Symbol Se. Atomic weight 78.9.

Selenium Se*le"ni*um\, n. (Chem.) The shit they make film out of.

So while Rick may hit just about all the summer blockbusters, Phil & I will still get to our fair share and be more than happy to blabber on about them. Cool? Anyway, I wonder if Sam Jackson is looking forward to the new Transformers flick...

Sorry I even asked.

The Lazlo Essentials: For the Casual Film Fanatic

2009-05-18T00:30:00.001-05:00

#85 Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro kill it as gonzo journalist Raoul Duke and his bloated Samoan attorney (respectfully) as they completely destroy all aspects of reality in this headtrip of a fucking flick based on Hunter S. Thompson's headtrip of a fucking book. And in the hands of Terry Gilliam, well - you've got one of the most perfectly filmed adaptations of a notoriously unfilmable book that is now one of the most love it or hate it films around, which is exactly what the book was - which is why it's a perfectly filmed adaptation. And I effin' loved it. And while the film's drug distorted reality may give you a migraine, you also may laugh yourself into a stupor. And it's also the closest I'll ever get to another ether high. So let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? How much for the ape?

#101: Mitchell

Yes, I know. Technically Mitchell would fall under a television show, not a movie because the only reason to watch Mitchell is to watch MST3K give it the bidness. But, since Mitchell is an actual movie and one of the funniest MST3K's ever and the fact that it marks the last time we get to see Joel - well to quote Tesla...Shitgoddamnhellfuck. I really don't care. Joe Don Baker as the chubby drunk detective Mitchell, Linda Evans as a hooker, Merlin Olsen as a butler and Martin Balsam as the man he's staking out who invites him to dinner...and he accepts! Mitchell is just one of those times when the planets align and you're treated to 97 minutes of perfetion. To a love scene involving Schlitz and the possibility of baby oil, a very very low speed car chase and a theme song by Hoyt Axton - like I said people. Sweet, holy perfection.

Well, that's it for now. We do apologize about the complete lack of consistency here, but in our defense a whole lot has been going on AND we've been working on trying to put some side crapola together that could be some really cool shit. And when all of that finally goes down - we'll pass the savings on to you! (whatever that means) Anyway, and coming up...lookie what awesomeness I found previously viewed at the local Blockbuster. I know, Christmas came early. I can't fucking wait for this one...

See all Wednesday. Gias?

Movies That I Need to See

2009-05-13T00:59:00.003-05:00

Top 10 Worst Cinema Experiences: Part Deux

2009-05-11T12:25:00.005-05:00

Following Mark’s lead I thought I’d relay my Top 10 Worst movie going experiences. After all I can’t let him have all the fun…

10. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Went with my good friends Hunter and Roger, Hunter and I were into the film and having a good time. Roger however wasn’t into it and showed his distain by falling asleep and snoring really loud. I swear you could hear him over the tank chase.

9. Empire Strikes Back (First viewing)

I went to see Empire with my family at the local Drive-In (pretty cool) but the problem was we just got in as the film was about to start which left no time to walk all the way across the lot to the snack shack to get popcorn and stuff. So when my Dad said “OK Philip let’s go get some snacks for everyone. I could use a hand carrying it all back to the car.” But DAD! I’m going to miss something!!! I responded (In a whining tone I’m sure) “No, look it’s a slow part, lets go quick!” The line took a few minutes but felt like forever, and when we finally got out of the snack shack I saw the tail end of the Darth Vader “unmasked” scene when he speaks with the image of the emperor. For weeks kids at school talked about that scene where you can almost see what Vader looks like under the helmet…I was so pissed.

8. Flowers In The Attic

The short story of why this was a bad experience is just the idea that I went to see Flowers in the fucking attic! But wait there’s more…Rachel, my High school girlfriend was a fan of the book and so I was obligated to take her to the movie version which sucked, she kind of thought so too and felt bad for making me go, so she walked to the ticket counter and bought two tickets to surprise me with. “C’mon lets make it a double feature, my treat.” She said. She walked me into another part of the multiplex we sat down and the movie started…”Date With An Angel” came up on the screen…ugggggg.

7. The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!

I thought this would be a good movie to take a girl out on a first date to see, comedy seems to be a good way to break the tension of a first date. I asked a girl out who I met in the place I got my hair cut, she was a hair stylist, very long island 80’s girl. Big hair, tight skirt, etc…I didn’t really know her at all but she seemed nice enough. I can only compare her laugh to that of Fran Dresher in the Nanny ONLY LOUDER! As if the snorting laughter wasn’t bad enough, she spilled her soda just as Leslie Nielson killed Ricardo Montalban’s exotic fish with his pen, so I had to get her another one, and as we were walking out she needed to visit the ladies room, so I waited with several other dudes who were waiting for their dates. When she came out of the bathroom still fixing her hair all eyes looked downward. I just thought everyone was checking her out, she was pretty hot, but alas NO. I looked down to see two embarrassingly long pieces of toilet paper stuck to not one but BOTH of her shoes. She had no idea as they trailed behind her.

6. The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!

I’m putting this one in twice because after my date, toilet paper shoes, and I walked out of the theater we bumped into my now ex-girlfriend Rachel with her new boyfriend who for some reason thought it would be cool to chat a bit before their movie…awkward.

5. Dumb And Dumber

Shout out to the guy sitting next to us (Myself and my wife Geri, though we were engaged at the time.) who proclaimed in an almost offended tone after Jeff Daniels gets his tongue stuck to the ski lift…”Yo, dis guy is Stoopit!” ummmm, yeah.

4. End Of Days

This may be the same guy in the audience from Dumb And Dumber, but once Arnold Schwarzenegger realizes he is fighting against Satan himself and conventional weapons really aren’t working he throws down his gun and sacrifices himself to save the girl. This seemed to piss of the guy a row behind us (Myself and Geri again) and he shouted out “Aw man I knew he was gonna wuss out!” Yes of course the answer to the problem should have been bigger guns I guess and maybe a few roudhouse slo-motion kicks…

3. Dungeons & Dragons

Really just being a fan of the game and going to see this piece of crap made it one of the worst times ever in a theater.

2. Weird Science

I met a girl at a friends Birthday party she said she went to a high school in the next town over, we chatted for a while and I asked her if she’d like to go to a movie she said yes and everything seemed great. Well I got stood up… I waited for awhile but decided to see the movie alone since I already bought the tickets, I felt like crap, but hey it happens I guess. The next day I went into school and was threatened by a girl named Eileen who accused me of asking out her underage kid sister who was grounded for sneaking out of the house and going to a high school birthday party! Apparently she was 14! Whoops!

1. High Stakes

My good friend Pat had this mother fixation for Sally Kirkland and knowing I was a fan of Richard Lynch talked me into seeing this slow moving very dull film. I can’t remember details as I haven’t seen the movie since it screened in 1989 but I do remember that It was one of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s first films, which makes me want to maybe check back again and see….wait, no it doesn’t.

I'm #165! or Your Early IMAX Review of Star Trek

2009-05-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

Our good friend Rick returns, this time with a little love from the world IMAX premier of the new Star Trek film. And he's givin' it everything he's got...

Last night, my wife, my best friend, and I were part of movie history. Harry Knowles of AICN (Ain't It Cool News) decided to hit J.J. Abrams up for a screening of this little film he recently directed. You might have heard of it. It’s called STAR TREK. Well, J.J. complied and he definitely delivered! I was one of 389 people that witnessed STAR TREK in IMAX. We were the first audience in the world to see the IMAX print. Now that I was involved in a little piece of movie history, the next question in my head was would J.J. Abrams version of STAR TREK live up to the hype. The simple answer is yes!

I was so curious about how J.J. would handle this "almighty" geek property. Would he do an action packed remake of the original series? Would he have all of the actors doing their best impressions of the original cast? Would he make a mockery of the original series? Would he show respect and pay homage to Gene Roddenberry’s creation? I think he did something much bolder. He did a complete reboot of the source material. The closest thing I can compare it to is what Christopher Nolan did with ‘Batman Begins’. He scrapped everything down to the bare essence. He gave us the back-story of how and why Bruce Wayne would become the Dark Knight. This is controversial because J.J. is taking on a subject that is iconic and has one of the most rabid fan bases ever created. Whether you are a "Trekkie" or a "Trekker", you have to account for these people because this is your core audience. These are the people that will go back and see the film repeatedly. I think that J.J. has made a movie that will satisfy those fans , but will introduce an entire new generation to Star Trek.

I know we’ve all seen the commercials as the hype machine drives forward until opening day. Some casual fans must be asking themselves who are these people. Well, I must give great kudos to the casting director of the film. I think that the performances that these actors give really drive the movie over the CGI and the action. It all starts with Chris Pine who plays James T. Kirk. You want to talk about pressure! Pine plays Kirk as a cocky rebel with very little respect for authority. Only in one scene does Pine purposely do his best Shatner impression. It had to be done at least once to pay homage to the one and only "Shat". However, we follow Kirk’s journey as he matures and truly learns what true leadership is all about. Pine has truly made Kirk his character and not an impersonation.

Zachary Quinto plays Spock. I really like what they’ve done with the Spock character in this film. He is in essence the antagonist for a majority of this movie. He’s the one that is "by the book" and not willing to take chances. He is the polar opposite of Kirk as they struggle for control over the Enterprise. Spock has a human mother and a Vulcan father. Quinto does a good job of showing what a struggle it is to keep his human side in check. A big departure from where Leonard Nimoy portrayed the great Vulcan. When Kirk and Spock put their differences aside and decide to fight together, these guys shine and kick a lot of ass in the process. Great stuff!

I couldn’t help but smile or laugh anytime Karl Urban was on screen. Urban play Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy. Urban has all of the mannerisms, looks, and voice of DeForest Kelly down to a science. Urban leads a supporting cast that really does justice to the film. John Cho plays pilot Hikaru Sulu. Sulu gets to kick some serious ass in his one away mission. Zoe Saldana plays communications officer Nyota Uhura. Let’s just say that more than one Enterprise officer wants to see what’s under Uhura’s uniform. Anton Yelchin plays a 17-year-old version of helmsman Pavel Chekov. Chekov adds some good comic relief with his thick Russian accent. My one big criticism of the film is the under use of Simon Pegg who plays Scotty. Pegg makes the most of his screen time and really nails Scotty, but he might have a total of 10 minutes of screen time. All I can say is that Mr. Scott better be going on some away missions in the sequel.

Eric Bana who plays the movie’s main villain, Nero, rounds out the rest of the cast. Bana does a nice job playing Nero as intense and insane as possible without taking it over the top. You believe that this is an evil son of a bitch and he will stop at nothing to exact his revenge. Bruce Greenwood plays Captain Christopher Pike. He is the Captain of the Enterprise and a believer and father figure for Kirk. Some of Pike and Kirk’s scenes together are some of the very best in the movie. Last but not least is Leonard Nimoy who plays the Spock from the future. I had heard that Nimoy had a cameo, but he ended up having a lot more screen time than I expected. Future Spock plays a huge role in the plot of the film.

I don’t want to get into spoiler territory so I’ll keep the plot part vague. This is where J.J. makes this "his" Star Trek. They use time travel as a plot device that puts this Enterprise crew in a different time line than the original series. It goes way deeper than that, but I really don’t want to give anything away. J.J. now has the freedom of not being tied down to any sort of cannon from the original series. He can create new stories and new threats to keep the franchise fresh in future sequels. This is really the masterstroke by J.J. and his writers.

Ultimately, STAR TREK is an action film. We have hand-to-hand combat, laser gun fights, monster fights, sword fights courtesy of Sulu, and glorious space battles like you have never seen in any Star Trek film before it. The quiet times are few and far between. This movie starts with a huge space battle and doesn’t stop. This is the stuff that will bring in the new fans. It really was nice to see a Trek film with over a one hundred and twenty million dollar budget and it looks every bit of it. The effects and CGI are flawless.

The first words out of my mouth after the movie were " I loved it!" My best friend, who is not a Star Trek fan , loved it as well. My wife, who is a huge Star Trek fan and Simon Pegg fan, really liked it but was upset about the lack of Simon Pegg and kept calling Zach Quinto Spoclar. For those that do not know, Zach Quinto plays the villain, Sylar, on the TV show ‘Heroes’. My wife and I are going to see the film on Thursday night again. All I can say is THANK YOU, J.J. for bringing Trek back to the masses. Now, boldly take this franchise where it has never been before!

- Rick

2009-05-05T23:33:00.001-05:00

1933 - 2009

Top 10 Worst Cinema Experiences

2009-05-04T00:01:00.002-05:00

We've all had them. Suck ass movie theater experiences. And until movie studios allow us to download first run films directly to our brains and project them onto the inside of our corneas, well - we'll always have them. Here's mine.

10. A Beautiful Mind

A little shout out here. To the guy 7 rows behind me that fielded a call from his girlfriend and proceeded to tell her where he was, a detailed synopsis of the film and what he needed from Sports Authority. Well effyou, Fuckface! Whew! Sorry, I had to take care of a little airing of grievances. I know it's early for Festivus, but I needed closure.

9. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Fresh outta 8th grade, a group of friends wanted to go see Ferris Bueller. Five minutes into the movie, they decided they no longer wanted to see Ferris Bueller. Being that my ride was leaving - well the point was moot, because so was I. And I didn't even get to see Simone in her white fringe jacket. Crime I tell ya, a goddamned crime.

8. The English Patient

A 10 pm showing of The English Patient and a still-partially-drunk-splitting-bachelor-party-hangover are two things that should never be mixed. Never.

7. The Empire Strikes Back (1st viewing)

My father is a notoriously impatient man. Hateshateshates waiting. So when 1980 came around and it was time to get our asses in line for Empire, he told us there were two chances of that happening: None and absolutely none. Of course he was a filthy liar because he brought us anyway. But to get us back, he embarrassed and endangered the entire family by cutting right in the front of the line that was, you know - Star Wars sized. Needless to say, we made it into the film in one piece, but not without learning about 93 different uses of the word motherfucker.

6. Batman Returns

Second shout out. To the guy on my left who would not surrender or share the armrest, commented semi quietly to himself things like "Uh-huh" or "That's right" over and over again and who actually took a sip from my soda not realizing what zone he had left his beverage in (twice). Well, effyoutoo.

5. Crocodile Dundee 2

The only reason I saw Crocodile Dundee 2 was because I bought a ticket for it. But when we tried to sneak into A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 and got busted, we had to sit through that shit.

4. E.T.

Without the benefit of stadium seating, young children always had challenges in front of them in a movie theater. For me, it was always the same. the seat directly in front of me would always stay vacant until just before the movie started, the giant from Twin Peaks would plop his bony ass directly in my line of sight. E.T. - same friggin' thing. I watched the entire movie through the hole between the giant and the lady with the Chiquita Banana hat.

3. Speed 2: Cruise Control

There's nothing worse than realizing that you're actually dating the person that you would want to punch in the face during a movie. Maybe the only thing worse would be seeing Speed 2 in the fucking theater. At that point, you're still in that whateveryouwannadosugah mode - so you give in. And she wanted to see Speed 2 - apparently she was a big Jason Patric fan. I tried to talk her out of it. Let's rent Rush or even Solar Babies for Christ sake...but nooooo. So we went, it was sold out (sad really) and the only seats available were front row, extreme left like Bowfinger's seat at the Chubby Rain premiere. And if it wasn't bad enough I was watching Speed 2 from front row all the way left, she talked throughout the entire movie. The entire movie. Awful.

2. I am Legend

I saw I am Legend in a 2/3 packed theater. I also saw I am Legend with my good friend and Austin correspondent Rick. The couple behind us seemed to be enjoying the film so much that they were loudly commenting on each scene as it ended. Every scene. A polite Shhhh! about 30 times by us and everyone around them didn't seem to phase them, but when Rick stood up and towered over the girl and her punkass boyfriend and exclaimed "Are you two gonna shut the fuck up, or am I gonna have to shut you the fuck up?" After a few heated exchanges back and forth and more than a few insults - well, surprisingly - they shut the fuck up. Does that make up for the fact that we watched the rest of the flick fully expecting him to fashion his plastic spoon into a shiv and stab us in the jugulars? Yes, yes it does.

1. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1st viewing)

I was at a birthday party for a friend of mine and as the party was thinning out, they all decided to take the rest of the kids to go see Raiders. Now, I wore glasses at the time and hated wearing them. That party, I decided not to wear them and go blind (not really an exaggeration). So when we got to the movie, which I had yet to see, I couldn't see a fucking thing. I felt like Dave Bowman from 2001 as I watched 2/3 of the film in a blurry mess of vibrant colors. It was fuckawful. Funny thing is, with a 1/3 of the film left one of my friends mother saw me in some extreme squint and made her son (who had already seen Raiders), give me his glasses so I could see better. I declined but she made me wear them. I cannot even attempt to describe the migraine that I was left with that evening.

The Screen Cap Revue presents

2009-04-27T08:00:00.008-05:00

A RIDLEY SCOTT FILM

L E G E N D

Legend has always been that kind of enigma for me, the film that I so wanted to love but just couldn't completely wrap my head around it. Something always felt either wrong or incomplete whenever I watched it. But always, I liked it - never loved it. So when I finally watched the Directors' Cut Ultimate Edition DVD that added close to 30 minutes of scenes, recut the film and added Goldsmith's score, I expected to finally solve the enigma. But alas, it didn't (and that my friends is another post onto its self). BUT the one thing that Legend is and has always been, is scrumptious to look at. And what better to celebrate a film (the poor man's Lord of the Rings so to speak) lacking in content and story but gorgeously photographed? You give it a screen cap review. So, if it's been a while since you visited Ridley Scott's fairy tale fantasy land filled with good and evil and princesses and magic and unicorns and elves and goblins and love and a pre-MI:2 bob on Tom Cruise - well friends, then look no further.

The evil lair of the Lord of Darkness

A goblin assignment: Get the unicorn's horn and let there be darkness.

Princess Lily's pure innocence.

Lily and her woodland love Jack talking to animals.

I want to show you something! But don't touch...

Lily proves listening is not one of her strong suits.

The goblin following Lily and Jack gets ready to complete his assignment.

Sadly, he succeeds. Darkness and winter fall upon the land.

Honeythorn Gump scolds Jack for bringing Lily to the unicorns. Jack must now lead the group to rescue the unicorns horn or darkness will fall forever.

The wounded unicorn must be saved and the last unicorn (not pictured) must be protected!

Lily, in an effort to apologize to the last unicorn, leads the goblins right to him. Both are captured.

Jack, now in gold armor that Gump provided, leads this unlikely band of elven and dwarf misfits to save Lily, the last unicorn and recover the severed unicorn horn.

A nasty witch stands in the way! How do I know she's a witch? Well, she looks like one!

Into the lair!

A need for escape. The fairie/pixie saves the day.

The fairie/pixie finds Lily...and doesn't like what she sees.

Lily's temptation.

Lily's goth transformation.

Ladies & Gentlemen - The Lord of Darkness!

Lily is made aware of the Lord of Darkness' plan for her. To be his bride.

Jack and crew discover this plan. And Jack's not real happy.

Jack reflects (hehe) on a plan to destroy the Lord of Darkness.

And Lily comes up with a plan of her own.

The last unicorn preparing for the slaughter.

Lily asks to be the one to kill the unicorn so she can be his bride.

Darkness accepts.

Gump watches, fearing the worst is upon them. Lily has turned.

Jack prepares to do the unthinkable, kill Lily. But at the last second...

Jack trusts Lily as she...

...cuts the chains and frees the unicorn! You go, Lily!

Fairy/pixie needs to hurry to complete Jack's plan!

Jack faces Darkness in a fight to the death.

Jack grabs the unicorn horn (which is magical good) and decides to finish this ting once and for all.

Booya!

The plan is finally in place!

And the plan appears to be working!

Booya - again!

Jack finishes the job and saves the day.

There is nothing more noble than true love.

Happily ever after.

ONE-EYED MONSTER

2009-04-22T05:00:00.001-05:00

In the case of many celebrities the characters they play become bigger than the actors themselves and so they become stereotyped into a certain role and are forever called “Luke” or “Ash” forever by adoring, obsessive fans. The same can be said for Ron Jeremy who himself is not famous, his wang is. Sure people know the name but beyond that the man’s “talent” has always been bigger than the man himself, 9 ¾ inches bigger to be precise.

The star of the film...off camera about twelve inches south.

In Ron’s case however his member has taken over completely and not only stars in the Fields Brothers horror / comedy ONE EYED MONSTER, but also blogs apparently- http://ronjeremysdick.blogspot.com/ We had heard bloggers were dicks but Mark and I had no idea that when we decided to start doing this we’d actually be competing with a penis…

ONE EYED MONSTER is the tale of a film crew who travel to a remote cabin in the mountains of Northern California to shoot an adult film. We get a first look at the fresh faced young people who make up the cast and crew during the opening credits sequence and we can’t help but wonder who’s going to die first? I particularly enjoyed the opening credits because Adam Fields lets you know right away what to expect in this film. You’ve got wise cracking young punks, hot chicks and a rock song with the word Monster in the title, Classic horror film set up. The film crew arrives at the cabin and set up shop fast. The director wants to get the first scene finished before dinner.

A little girl chat about rim jobs...it's just like camp!

So while the girls get freshened up and Veronica proves to the director she still has what it takes to make it on the casting couch, the guys are introduced to T.J. the tech guys invention, the Neural Tactile Stimulator which can replicate the feeling of a sexual experience with any female celebrity. If this machine were real it would be equal to the home computer in sales in a matter of weeks.

Instrument of errection

Soon they are ready to shoot and try a take but Ron is not feeling it, so he takes a walk to get some air. While outside a bright light flies across the sky and is dismissed as a shooting star. That light blasts Ron, knocking him out for a few minutes. When he awakens he feels refreshed and ready to do the deed. His scene with Veronica Hart goes from hot to horrible in a matter of minutes, as Ron appears to bang veronica to death! As if this isn’t bad enough Ron’s member dislodges from its owner and takes off like an alien from John Hurt’s gut! Ron Jeremy then gives an Oscar worthy death scene and what follows is a gruesome series of carnal killings and LAUGHS!

Just say AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

In the midst of the chaos an old grizzled man in army fatigues named Mohtz appears almost frozen on their doorstep. He trekked through the blizzard from his cabin miles away to investigate the weird light…A light he had seen once before, long ago. He explains as the group formulates a plan to trap the monster using the neural tactile stimulator to make the thing climax and once in a relaxed state kill it with an axe! Not since Captain Quint’s speech in Jaws has there been such a nail biting tension filled tale woven, casting fear into the heart of the viewer as Mohtz explains the fate of his platoon in Vietnam who were attacked by a similar creature. My favorite line is as follows “ You know what Hell sounds like? I think it sounds like…Thirty men getting massacred by a DICK!”

Keeping a straight face through this scene DEFINATELY deserves an award of some kind.

Well they wait out the monster using a pair of Laura’s (Amber Benson) panties as bait and it goes for it, jumping straight into the neural tactile simulator. T.J. hits “enter” and the machine begins to work its magic. Soon however the power of Ron Jeremy’s wang overloads the simulator crashing the program and destroying the machine it escapes and takes out Mohtz and T.J. for their trouble…Guess they should have set the simulator to Hillary Clinton, the thing would have at least lost its balls… At this point the remaining crew, Laura, Jonah and an unconscious Veronica, have to come up with a plan B fast. They decide to head for an abandon radio tower and call for help. They may have a fighting chance since they discover an underground tunnel leading to the tower. The monster is hot on their trail though and soon the CLIMACTIC battle shall ensue!

Veronica takes one for the team.

I had a great time wih One-Eyed Monster, it was funny done smart. The joke is the movie is played totally straight and I thought it was pretty well written. The direction was also up to snuff as well. Take all of your favorite scenes from classic slasher flicks where the protagonists “get it” and insert a rabid penis where Jason or Mike Meyers would be appearing. Now I will say that I’d rather wear a t-shirt with Jason or Mike Meyers on it, but I don’t see why the horror pantheon can’t make another ten inches of room for another villain. The One-Eyed Monster DVD is in stores April 28th.

Build Your Own Boxset: The Alan Smithee Collection

2009-04-20T09:00:00.002-05:00

If I'm correct, director Alan Smithee is the first and only director to ever helm a film without ever directing a scene. He's also never on set, nor does the bastard ever return a phone call. And 9 out of 10 film critics agree that his films, at least 90% of the time, well - suck. Or at least are a fubar sized hot fucking mess, like Lindsay Lohan's career or a Nicholas Cage under directed performance. For those who don't know, Alan Smithee is a fake, a fraud and hood-winker. He deals in dupery, flimflam and bamboozlement. He also doesn't exist.

The pseudonym Alan Smithee was created by the Directors Guild Association (DGA) back in 1968 for the film, Death of a Gunfighter, when director Robert Totten was fired mid production due to prick actor Richard Widmark's bitching and replaced with Don Siegel. After the shoot was completed, Siegel that he had only shot approx 10 days worth of footage to Totten's 25 days. Due to this and Widmark's overbearing control, Siegel didn't want credit and Totten refused credit and since some-fucking-body needed to take credit, Alan Smithee was created. Al Smith was the first pseudonym created but was too common, so the infamous 2 E's were added to the Smith's end to ensure a truly original name.

And whenever you see the name Alan Smithee, you can rest assured that somewhere in that film's production - somebody got the screw. And it's most always over creative control, because the DGA will refuse to allow any director to remove their name just because they think their finished product sucks ass. The director's vision has to be infringed upon in some way for Smithee to be brought in. (And the name has thus been retired, but I will get to that in a sec)

So what we did is create a box set of the films of Alan Smithee, what could be considered the best of the confused, studio recut or overall fucked up best. (And remember, we can only include the films that are available on DVD. It wouldn't be a real good DVD boxset - if you couldn't get the DVD.) Enjoy -

Solar Crisis (1990)

directed by Alan Smithee

Anything starring Charlton Heston & Jack Palance should be worth a looksie. But Charlton Heston & Jack Palance in outer space should be required viewing.

actually directed by Richard C. Sarafian

Hellraiser - Bloodline (1996)

directed by Alan Smithee

Technically, it's Hellraiser 4. And it's terrifying. See, the box sez so.

actually directed by Joe Chappelle & Kevin Yagher

An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997)

directed by Alan Smithee

If for nothing else, this flop needs to be seen for 2 reasons. First it's the reason the DGA retired the name Alan Smithee, as too much attention was brought to the hood-winker and could no longer be used with discretion. Secondly, it's the film that almost destroyed Joe Eszterhas, highly overpaid scribe of such flicks as Basic Instinct, Sliver, Jade and Showgirls. Funny thing about this one is that the title is An Alan Smithee Film and is about a director named Alan Smithee. Arthur Hiller, the actual director of this film after a creative fight with Eszterhas, officially took his name off the film, thus truly making it an Alan Smithee film. It also stars Coolio and Chuck D. What more could you ask?

actually directed by Arthur Hiller

Supernova (2000)

directed by Alan Smithee, under the pseudonym Thomas Lee.

You basic high powered sci-fi flick with a good cast with no direction. If you can get past the blatant hack Alien rip off scenes, it really ain't thaaaat bad. *Note that the anti-gravity scene between Angela Bassett and James Spader is not Angela Bassett. It's really Robin Tunney with a CGI tan. That's the word on the street. And worth my $.90 used from Amazon.

actually directed by Walter Hill, Jack Sholder and (yes!) Francis Ford Coppola

Dune (1984) Extended Version

directed by Alan Smithee

I only included this as this the extended version of Dune (hence called Dune: Extended Edition) due to all the hooplah that has surrounded this film since it's release. There has been the rumor going around since 1984 about Lynch's 4 hour cut that was his true vision and an amazing film. Truth is, it doesn't exist. This is the closest thing to it, even though Lynch doesn't like this version and took his name off of it. I usually disown any version that is not the director's true vision, but this is Dune for cryingoutloud. And some people didn't even know he took his name off this cut. Just throwing it out there.

See!

actually directed by David Lynch (you may have heard of him.)

So that's it, folks. The Lazlo Directors' Series Boxset: The Alan Smithee Collection. As always, all films are available at Amazon, Netflix and where ever fine cinema is sold.

LAZLO'S IN PRINT !

2009-04-17T05:00:00.000-05:00

Yes that's right, Lazlo's Closet is very happy to be a contributor in SCREEM Magazine's 18th Issue (The Spring/Summer Edition) that just hit the stands this week! I was lucky enough to represent Lazlo's Closet in the article "Movies That Scarred Us For Life". I share the article with several other writers all sharing our unique "getting scared out of our minds" experiences.
SCREEM Magazine can be found in the magazine section of your local Barnes & Noble or Borders Books, OR you can buy online at http://screemag.com/index.php

OR - You can also meet Darryl Mayeski publisher of SCREEM Magazine at the CHILLER THEATRE convention this weekend at the Hilton in Parsipany, New Jersey. Buy an issue of SCREEM and spin the WHEEL OF DEATH! the prize could be a free DVD

I'll be back next week with an update from the Chiller Convention where I snap as many free celebrity pics as possible! LOOK OUT TONY CURTIS !